Some people have a great relationship that lasts all their lives.  Other people never seem to have a relationship that lasts more than a few months.  Somewhere inbetween are the people that have a great relationship that slowly fades away.  What is it that kills this last kind of relationship?

You may have heard of the seven year itch.  It’s a cultural reference to the fact that after a few years, and seven is NOT a magic number, a relationship is no longer as exciting as it once was.  In fact, this can, and does, happen after a few months… but there is another drop in excitement, after this initial one, when you have been together for a few years.  So why does this happen?

The initial drop in excitement, after a few months, is very nearly inevitable… that initial excitement is due, in large part, to the newness of the relationship.  You are discovering all sorts of new things about this person who is so important in your life, thinking about them constantly.  They are never far from your mind.

Once you learn the basics of who they are, which takes a few months usually, the excitement drops.  You can then, if your relationship has decent foundations, maintain the new level of interest and excitement for a few years, at which point you know far more than the basics… in fact, you may feel like you know pretty much everything about your significant other (chances are pretty high that you don’t, but that’s a topic in itself).  So, once you arrive at this point, the excitement level drops again.  That’s when the seven year itch kicks in to high gear.

Both of these drops in excitement have something in common.  Both of them occur when you feel like there isn’t as much left to learn about the person.  This is NOT, however, the actual cause of the drop in excitement (or the drop in closeness that often accompanies the drop in excitement).  It is only a more visible part of a deeper issue.

The real killer of good relationships, and one that often keeps them from cementing in the first place, is your partner dropping out of your conscious awareness.  When you reach that first point, where you feel like you know the basics of who they are, you stop thinking about them quite as much.  You stop thinking, or at least stop thinking it as often, “I wonder what she’d think about this?” or “I wonder what she’s doing right now?”.  Then you hit that second drop when you feel like you know your significant other very well, and you feel like you can actually answer the questions in the previous sentence with a fair degree of certainty.

The killer of good relationships is familiarity.  When something becomes familiar, our conscious mind tends to start handing it off to the subconscious to deal with.  You can choose otherwise, but it has to be an active choice… the default is to pass it on and stop being aware of it.  This includes people and our relationships with them.  When you stop being aware of someone, you stop thinking about them, you stop giving them (and their happiness) your attention, and things deteriorate from there.  And once this happens, you look at your relationship, when it comes to your awareness, and realize how far it is from what it once was.  That makes you want to think about it even less, because it makes you feel bad (sadness, guilt, anger maybe… mental anguish).  So it becomes a vicious cycle that takes a conscious effort to break.

You can recapture the excitement, though, and the depth and closeness of the relationship.  All you have to do is start thinking about her more often (and getting her to think of you!).  There are lots of ways to do this, but the biggest one is to do somethingdifferent.  Something you haven’t done before, or haven’t done for a long time.  Or maybe even something that you have done, but you’ve never done together before.  You can also come up with surprises (little ones… don’t scare the snot out of her) to make her think of you… leaving her a note, making her something, going shopping with her specifically to buy her something (it doesn’t always have to be about you!).  The more unusual, the morenew it is, the more she will think about it, and since it was from (or with) you, the more she will think about you.  And you will obviously be thinking of her, because you’ll be planning out what you can do next.

So… if your relationship isn’t what it once was, don’t give up on it.  Instead, think of things that you can do for your significant other, or better yet, things you can do WITH your significant other.  Go to a new restaurant together, go to the place where you first met, go have a picnic in the park (or on the beach… depending on where you live).  Do something you don’t normally do… and start doing it more often.  But don’t make a habit of it, do it consciously!

Oh, and you might want to read The Very Simple Secret To A Happy Marriage (it applies to any long term relationship, not just marriage).

Women always seem to have a hard time recognizing when a man is an alligator (or gator, for short) looking for easy prey.  A gator is a man that tricks women into starting or continuing a relationship.  This is most often, from what I have seen, because he has more than one woman (or is looking for more than one… he may not show many of these signs if you’re the only one he has currently).

I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to point these signs out to my friends of the female persuasion, and most of time, even when I do, they refuse to believe… THEIR guy couldn’t possibly be a gator.  Until the guy does something so obvious even they can’t ignore it.  And then they fall for it again with the next guy.  And the next.

Women, please pay attention… if your man does one of these things, it’s a warning sign.  If he does all of them, he’s clearly identifying himself as a gator.

Here they are, in no particular order:

1. No PDA (Public Display of Affection)

   Now admittedly, there are some people who are simply uncomfortable with public displays of affection, but if he won’t even hold your hand… that’s a bad sign.  It’s an even worse sign if you notice that there are times when he’s totally comfortable with it, and other times when he’s not comfortable at all, especially if you notice that it’s specific places (excluding, of course, places where it IS inappropriate, like church) where he is uncomfortable, or places in a specific area (such as near his home or work).

2. Only Calls You At Odd (Or Specific) Times

   Another very common sign of a gator is that he only calls you at odd times or only at specific times.  The specific times could be, for instance, when he is at work, or even more so when he is at lunch at work.  The odd times could be late at night, early in the morning, etc.  If he never calls you during prime off business hours, be careful.

3. Frequently Doesn’t Answer When You Call

   This is a HUGE red flag raising, alarm bell ringing kind of bad sign.  If he doesn’t take your call when he’s in a meeting, that’s one thing.  If he doesn’t take your call an hour after he’s supposed to be off work, and this is a regular occurrence, it’s time to be suspicious… very suspicious.

4. Never Wants To Be At His Place (With You)

   Some guys just don’t want you over because they feel like their place is not up to par with what they think you want/expect, and so they will be lowered in your opinion.  This is relatively rare, however, especially if you are having a great time, feeling close, and heading toward being intimate… there are VERY few guys that will turn away from going to their place at that point, unless, possibly, they have roommates (which I suppose would still be the case if they are married).

5. Gets Nervous At Spontaneous Time Together Requests

   If your man is not the nervous type, or the perfectionist planner type, but they still get nervous when you say “Let’s go do something right now” or even “Let’s go have dinner tonight”, you can pretty much count on the fact there is something odd going on.  There’s probably also something odd if they always have to call someone, and talk privately, immediately after such a suggestion.

6. Says I Love You In Private, But Not Public

   There are a few old fashioned people who don’t say I love you in public, but it’s rare these days.  If you say it to him, and he doesn’t say it back, or says something vague that could be interpreted to mean something else, that’s a bad sign.  It’s a sign, as so many of these are, that he may be trying to hide your relationship.

7. “Friend” Body Language In Public

   If you notice that your man stands a little farther from you in public, that he is generally facing slightly away from you, and even when you’re having a conversation he doesn’t face you directly, these are all body language indicators that he is distancing himself from you, that he is uncomfortable with you being seen as someone with whom he is in a relationship.  Of course, you might want to check your body odor, too.

8. Never Wants To Go Somewhere Near His Place

   This was mentioned in passing above… if your man never wants to go anywhere that is near where he lives, and especially if he doesn’t want to go anywhere near where he works, either, you have a potential gator.  And it’s a rather strong potential, at that.  The only way that sort of behavior makes any sense is if he doesn’t want someone to know he’s with you… and if he doesn’t want someone to know he’s with you, there’s a reason there that most likely spells trouble even if it’s not another woman.

9. You Never Meet Any Of His Friends

   This is, of course, assuming he has friends.  Some guys don’t make friends easily… if your man is one of those types, don’t take this too seriously.  On the other hand, if he’s always hanging out with someone else when he’s not with you, and you never meet any of these someone elses… then you have plenty of cause to be suspicious

10. Often Takes Calls In The Other Room

    If he takes calls in the other room all the time, or uses some other way to be where you can’t hear what he says, you have a problem, whether it has to do with your relationship or not.  There is very little reason why someone would need to regularly speak privately away from his significant other.  Most of the reasons that I can think of why someone WOULD do that are bad… the only thing I can think of that’s not bad would be a doctor/patient or lawyer/client relationship.  And even with those exceptions, they really shouldn’t be receiving that many of them while you’re together.

11. Their Words Don’t Match Their Actions

    This is true of any relationship… if they say one thing and do another, that’s a bad sign.  If nothing else, it immediately calls into question their trustworthiness.  It might not be a big deal: for instance, some people will NOT remember to call you back, even if they say they will do so.  If they are that way with you and not with other things, however, you can be sure there is something fishy (or gator-y) going on.

One more thing, as a bonus… your man may call you “honey” or “baby” or some other pet name, it may not be because he loves you so much… it may be because he doesn’t want to slip and say the wrong name.

Again, if your man does one of these things, it doesn’t mean he’s a gator… but it might mean you want to watch for the other signs more closely.  And, in truth, these signs are mostly from the “second woman” perspective, though some of them apply otherwise, as well, but then again, there are tons of articles out there in magazines and on the web about how to tell if your man is cheating on you (one of the most popular topics of women’s magazines, from what I can tell looking at the magazine covers in the check out line at the store).

What is the measure of a man?  What does it mean to be a “good man”?  What is it that makes one man a good man, respected by all who know him, while another is admired but not necessarily respected, and yet another is looked upon as unworthy of the title of “man” at all?

It is very common to use surface traits, traits that are easily visible from a distance, to judge a man.  These traits, however, describe what a man has, rather than who he is.  While you can measure a man by what he has, it easily leads to giving someone far more credit than they deserve, and putting your faith in someone who will fold under pressure.

There is a single word which sums up using surface traits as a measure of a man:  macho.  Someone who is macho possesses these surface traits, usually without the underlying core traits, is considered macho.  Someone who possesses the deeper traits can be better described as honorable.  The two are not quite mutually exclusive, but it is fairly rare to know someone who is thought of as both, because those who are honorable rarely play up the surface traits, often even downplaying them as unimportant.

Below is a list of seven of the most common of the surface traits that fall under the label “macho”, along with the “honorable” trait for which they are being used as a proxy.

1. Physical Strength/Toughness

   Core Trait(s): Persistence, Inner Strength
   Physical strength or toughness are often used as a substitute for persistence, or inner strength.  There is something to this, as going on in spite of injury (toughness) does show persistence and at least a measure of inner strength, as does sticking with working out long enough to become strong.  Both of these only show one small piece of persistence and inner strength, however… a man can be quite tough and strong physically, but wilt away like a flower when it comes to things like taking care of his family.

2. Showing No Emotion

   Core Trait(s): Inner Strength
   Many men make the mistake of thinking that being strong means not showing any emotions.  This is silly… all people feel emotions, and denying yours actually gives them power over you, because you push them out of your conscious mind and into your subconscious, where they can still affect you, but you are no longer aware of what it is that’s doing the affecting.  Denying that you have emotions, suppressing them every time you feel them, simply keeps you from actually dealing with them.  True inner strength involves accepting that you have emotions, facing them, dealing with them, and doing what you need to do.

3. Being Aggressive

   Core Trait(s): Honor, Respect
   It is very common for men to believe that they need to aggressively demand respect from all of those around him, to prove their honor.  Respect, however, cannot be taken.  It must be earned, and that requires showing that you are worthy of it over time.  Look at anyone who is REALLY respected, like the Godfather.  How often is he aggressive?  Rather than being aggressive, he stands his ground, and will not violate his honor, nor allow another to do so.  Even when something physically aggressive is done on his behalf, it’s never him being aggressive… he just indicates that he wants it taken care of, and someone does so.  Learn from his example… respect does not come from aggression.

4. Wealth

   Core Trait(s): Strength, Respect
   People often use a man’s wealth as a sign of whether or not he is worthy of respect.  They also often think that having great wealth is itself a sign of strength.  Whether or not these things are true depend on a lot of things, the biggest of which is whether the man earned the wealth himself or was given it.  A man who was given wealth actually tends to be LESS worthy of respect, and weaker, than one who has no wealth to speak of.  For those who earn it, the longer it took to earn the wealth, the more likely it is that they actually ARE worthy of the respect generally accorded to them just for their wealth.  All that being said, wealth in itself has NO significance for how honorable or worthy of respect someone has.  There are homeless people possessed of far more honor, and worthy of far more respect, than some of the wealthiest people in the world.

5. Political Power

   Core Trait(s): Strength, Respect
   This can be political power within any large organization, whether government, corporate, non-profit, or something else entirely.  This is a surface trait… like physical strength, political power IS one measure of strength, but not a good indicator of the strength that matters, strength of character.  A politician may wield power, that doesn’t make them worthy of respect.  Just look at Hitler, Stalin, Saddam Hussein, etc… they had great political power, but the last thing they were is good men.  They lacked honor, integrity, and were unworthy of respect as a person (it’s certainly arguable that some of their achievements deserve respect, but as a person, they don’t).

6. Fame

   Core Trait(s): Strength, Respect
   Fame is very similar to wealth.  It does grant you power, as does wealth, but as mentioned many times already, power is not the same as strength, let alone the inner strength that is so important to being a good man.

   Some people earn their fame through their accomplishments, like Mother Theresa (I know this is about men… but she is the most recognizable example of what I’m talking about that I can recall at the moment).  Others achieve fame by accident, like a lottery winner.  Still others acquire fame by virtue of their position, like the Pope, or the President of the United States (or even candidate for President).  The fame itself is meaningless as a tool to evaluate who someone is.  All it does is bring the person to your (and a lot of other people’s) attention.  That makes granting someone respect, or assumptions of honor, simply based on their fame, silly.

7. Women

   Core Trait(s): Strength, Respect
   People often give men respect they don’t deserve simply based on which women they have been in relationships with, or, alternatively, the sheer number of women they have been with.  Many women have poor taste when it comes to men… basing your opinion of a man based on some woman’s (or women’s) opinion is foolish.  In fact, the fact that a man has been with a large number of women is a pretty solid indicator that their honor, integrity, and faithfulness are lacking.  It may be a sign that they are virile, possessing strength in that sense, but certainly not the inner strength that is a reflection of who they are.

Be careful, when looking at a man, and evaluating him, that you separate the macho from the honorable, the surface persona from the core person.  There are times when you will WANT to evaluate someone based on their surface traits, or what they have, rather than who they are… when you’re looking for someone to help you move, for example.   It’s important, though, to do so consciously, when it is desirable, rather than using those macho traits as a substitute for who they are, what kind of man they are, and how much trust you can put in them.

Do you know who you are, what you believe, and why you believe it?  Are you aware… do you look around and choose a path for yourself, or do you just blindly follow the path laid out for you by others?  People who fit the first description are anchored, while people who fit the second are adrift.

People who are anchored know who they are.  They know what they believe and why they believe it.  They are aware of their own ability to choose their path consciously, and do not simply follow what others have done before or direct them to do now.

Those who are adrift, on the other hand, are mostly who other people tell them they are.  They shift with the wind, accepting and following the last input they received, never (or rarely) asserting their own power of choice.  Sometimes they try to place a limit on who can affect them this way, keeping it to only those they consider authorities or experts in the field, but this often a false front, with them allowing all who give the appearance of authority, or even just certainty, the ability to decide who they will be and what they will do.

You probably know examples of each type.  You can probably even think of examples of a “type of person” who is expected to be anchored, but in reality is adrift, like a preacher, a teacher, or other authority figure.  The sad part is that other people who are adrift rely on these people who are “supposed to be” anchored, but in reality are not, to give them direction in their own lives.

At this point, some of you may be thinking that the people I’m referring to as anchored are probably close-minded.  If you’re thinking that, you are wrong.  People who are anchored have no need to reject the opinions and beliefs of others without considering them.  They know who they are and why they believe what they believe well enough that other people’s beliefs are not threatening.  Close-minded people are actually adrift, rejecting the input of others without considering it because they lack confidence in their own beliefs.

Fortunately for the majority of people who are adrift, it is totally possible to become anchored.  Totally possible and totally easy are not, however, the same thing.  If you want to become anchored, you need to take a few steps, and while they are simple to understand, they are not without effort, and likely not without pain.

1. Learn To See Your Own Beliefs

   If you want to be anchored, you must be aware of what you believe.  That means consciously aware, and able to articulate what it is that you believe.  If you cannot say what you believe, you certainly can’t understand why you believe it, and so it is likely that you believe it because someone else told you it was so.  Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean your belief is incorrect… it just means that it’s not truly YOUR belief, it is someone else’s belief where you are acting as if it is your own.

   If you need help getting started, you can try a series I wrote a while back:

   • Learn To See Your Own Rose-Colored Glasses
   • Learn To See Your Own Rose-Colored Glasses Part 2
   • Learn To See Your Own Rose-Colored Glasses Part 3
   • Learn To See Your Own Rose-Colored Glasses Part 4

    

2. Choose Which Beliefs You Want

   Once you have learned how to see your beliefs, you must choose, for each one, whether to keep it and make it your own or discard it as not being congruent with who you want to be.  This process also helps you to resolve conflicting beliefs that can be the source of much, if not most, of the stress in your life.  Each belief you choose to keep is now able to become your own, and part of who you are, not just part of a persona.

3.  Understand The Why Of Each Belief

   Once you have chosen to keep a belief, and indeed even while you are considering whether or not to do so, you will need to examine it.  You should find out the details, EXACTLY what is involved in the belief, what type of circumstances it applies to, and most importantly of all, WHY you believe it.  If you cannot say why you have a belief, then it is not yours yet… it is still a part of the persona you are projecting, not who you truly are.  Once you are aware of a belief, choose to keep it, and can explain why you believe it, you can claim it as your own, a part of your true self, your core.

4. Align Your Outside With Your Inside

   Now that you understand which beliefs are a part of you and which are part of a persona, you can reject that persona.  You have enough knowledge of your self that you no longer need the affirmations of others to feel worthy.  In fact, your self-worth (which is NOT the same thing as self-esteem… in fact, there is enough of a difference that I will probably write an entire article on it in the future) will be stable, neither ridiculously high nor ridiculously low.  It will simply be enough to be who you are, and allow others to be who they are, and draw shared enjoyment where you can.

5. Be Aware

   This is the last element on the list, but in reality it shows up earlier in the mix.  The thing is, it may show up anywhere on the list… it may be when you first start, when you realize that you can, in fact, choose what you believe, or any other time in this process.  It is at least virtually impossible, and probably actually impossible, to complete the steps above without becoming aware.  So what does it mean to “Be Aware”?  It means knowing, understanding, and accepting that you have the power to control who you are and how you respond to any situation.  It means accepting responsibility for your own actions… ALL of them.  It means, more than anything else, being aware that you are free, that no one can force you to do anything you choose not to do.  They can force your body to do certain things, but you are not your body, and that real you is completely, 100%, irrevocably free.

When you have followed each of the steps above, which are not always strictly done in the order listed, especially #5, you will find yourself anchored amongst a sea of people adrift.  This gives you many advantages, too many to be listed here, but I will list one benefit:  peace.  Peace comes with awareness.  When you know that you are free, that you are who you choose to be, and not who you choose not to be, peace is unavoidable.  It is only when you try to deny this freedom, and the responsibility that comes with it, that peace ever departs.

And that is a huge difference, and a huge benefit, in and of itself.

 

Do you believe in God?  Do you believe that there is no sense in believing in God because it makes no difference in the world we live in?  It really doesn’t matter which of these two you believe, your very belief in that thing (or any other thing you believe) will affect the world around you.

I’m not talking about anything mystical.  I’m not talking about the incredibly popular “Law of Attraction”.  You can, without accepting ANY mysticisim at all, be absolutely certain that what you DO believe affects the world around you, and that the depth of the belief affects how much impact it has on the world outside of you.

I can make that statement with utmost confidence because of how it affects the world around you.  Here it is, in plain language:  Any belief that you hold affects the world around you because it affects the actions you choose to take and your response to circumstances that relate to it.

The depth of your belief plays into this because it affects how strongly your response (or action) is influenced by that belief.  Lightly held beliefs may have very little effect… your belief that blue is the best color is probably lightly held, and won’t really affect much, other than possibly your choice of clothing or decorations.  Your belief in God, or your belief that he either doesn’t exist or is irrelevant, is likely to be much more deeply held, and thus has more power to affect your actions and responses.

Your beliefs regarding money are an easy way to show how beliefs affect the physical world.  If you believe that money is out there for the taking, that all you have to do is reach out and grab it, then you will look for, and find, opportunities to do so, and you will not let a little risk stop you.  If you believe that all you can do is try to save money, because the risk of stepping outside your comfort zone is too great, then you will pass even good opportunities by, if you see them at all, with your focus being so directed on how to save money instead of how to make more.

All of your beliefs affect you in the same way, though most are not so easily visible.  They also affect the world around you when other people observe you acting upon them, especially if you have children or younger siblings.  When they see you act on your belief, they may very well pick up on that belief, since they look at you as an authority, a way to learn how they should be dealing with the world.

Other people may react negatively, especially if they hold conflicting beliefs.  As evidence, witness the conflicts between people who believe in different religions, or the conflict between people who believe in God and those who do not.  While the first is more likely, according to history, to result in physical violence, the latter is, as far as I can tell, at least as likely to start violent arguments in the modern world (at least in the United States, which, though I have lived in two other countries, is still by far my strongest basis for understanding the modern world).

People who react to your beliefs, either positively or negatively, can affect you and the world around you.  They may be your future boss (or client), or they may turn someone else against you.  They may, at the extremes, be the person you marry at the positive extreme , or choose to kill you because of your beliefs.   While either of these two are, as stated extremes, and unlikely to happen in practice, there are a range of lesser possibilities that become more and more likely as they go down the scale.

So… even your belief that beliefs can’t affect the real world affects the real world.  And there’s nothing mystical about it.

You might want to look at evaluating your beliefs and deciding which ones to keep as is, which ones to alter, and which ones to remove.  If you are interested, I have written a series of articles that may help:

• Learn To See Your Own Rose-Colored Glasses
• Learn To See Your Own Rose-Colored Glasses Part 2
• Learn To See Your Own Rose-Colored Glasses Part 3
• Learn To See Your Own Rose-Colored Glasses Part 4

 

One of the most important things in any relationship is to show the other person that they are special to you, worthy of your time, effort, and attention.  This can be done with huge, lavish gestures, like buying them a car, but in the long run, the little things that you do on a regular basis make more of a difference.

There are obviously a vast number of small things that you can do for your spouse (I’m going to say spouse, but this applies to any significant other, you don’t have to be married), and some of these will mean more based on your past history.  For instance, I proposed to my wife by decorating a cake, writing “Will you marry me?” and having the engagement ring be the “o” in “you”.  That meant more because we often look at the cakes when we go to the grocery store or a bakery and comment on which ones we like, and we had done a few together before (like a flag cake for the Fourth of July).  It might not mean much to your spouse, however, without that history behind it.

That being said, there are a few “categories” of things that you can do for your spouse that are pretty much universal, and I will list some of these.  You can then choose a specific thing that fits in that category that might mean something specifically in the context of you and your spouse.

By the way, I’m saving the best one for last.

1. Suprise Them With A Small Gift

   This is shown in all the movies and TV shows, and is ingrained in our culture.  The stereotypical example is to bring flowers.  This category is far more effective if you do it for no reason… buying them a gift to say you’re sorry has some effect, but buying them a gift just to say I love you means far more.

   The secret here is to do something that shows that you went out of your way for them… the most effective small gifts are ones that show that you know them, like getting them their favorite food, or something in their favorite color, or maybe the new CD from their favorite artist.

2. Do Something They Normally Do For Them

   This involves doing something for them that they normally find unpleasant.  Examples include washing dishes, taking out the trash, and changing the baby’s diaper but it could be anything that they do that they dislike.  I think my wif’e’s favorite is when I do the dishes.

   Oh, and this has to be without them asking, and not in exchange for anything… ie not “I’ll do the dishes today so I can hang out with the guys and watch the game on Sunday.”.  It has to be “I’ll do the dishes so you don’t have to do so.”.

3. Schedule Some Time Specifically For Them

   Schedule some time just for them, and do it in advance.  That is, don’t just go “There’s nothing happening right now, let’s go do something”, although that, too, can be effective.  Plan some time at least a week ahead of time that is theirs, where there are no distractions, to the best of your ability.  That means no checking email, no cell phones (you may have to make an exception if you have children… emergencies DO come up), none of the daily clutter of life.  That time is their time, and theirs alone.

   It can help if you plan what to do ahead, too, but you should always stay open if you can, so that if what you had planned no longer sounds appealing at the start of their time, you can go do something else that DOES sound pleasant.  The key here is to let them choose whether to go ahead with previous plans or change them for something else.

4. Turn Down Something Fun To Spend Time With Them

   This does require that they know about it, but also that you don’t rub it in their face.  In other words, don’t tell them “I turned down something else to do this with you” like you expect them to make it worth it.  It’s far more effective to let them overhear you turn down the other thing, or simply let them know ahead of time, saying something along the lines of “Joe invited me to do such and such, but I told him that I was busy spending time with you”.

   This one is particularly dangerous to do too much.  First, if they feel like you are trying to spend ALL of your time with them, they may feel smothered (or they may not… it depends on your relationship).  Secondly, though, they start expecting it… they start to rate your own time as less important, and start getting resentful when you DO say yes to an invitation to do something that they don’t enjoy.  Essentially, they get used to the addtional attention, and it becomes the level of attention they expect, so they feel like you are “stealing” it from them when they don’t get it.

   So make sure that doing this is unusual and special.

5. Create Something For Them

   This is the most effective category of them all.  It involves investing part of yourself, part of who you are, into them, not just a little bit of time or money.  When you create something, it is a partial reflection of who you are… and the amount of you that is reflected is in direct proportion to the amount of effort you have invested.

   My wife’s favorite gift that I’ve given her is the jewelry box I made for her.  It’s certainly not perfect, and I’ve seen much more beautiful jewelry boxes… but I spent my time and effort creating it for her.  She also loves a bracelet that I had custom made for her… it’s not the expense, it’s the time and attention and creativity that I invested into making it.  That increases the value of the gift far more than cost alone, and that holds true for all but the most empty of relationships.

Again, all of these things are “categories” of things you can do for them.  Each one of them represents time, effort, and attention that you are spending on them.  These things show that you find the other person special, and that is important to any relationship.

It helps if you don’t always use the same item from above.  For instance, if you always buy them small gifts, they will become accustomed to it, and it will start to lose its meaning.  If you take over a chore from them, then eventually it becomes “your” chore, and again, loses its meaning.  The last category is more resistant to this than the others, but is NOT immune to it, especially if you’re always creating the same type of thing, like always writing them a poem.

One more thing:  The things listed above only work when done because you want to do them.  Your spouse WILL be able to tell if you are doing them because you’re “supposed to”, if you are doing it against your will.  Your action will lose almost all power at that point.

So, if you want to show your spouse that you appreciate them, start doing something from the list above, but again, only if you actually want to do it (not necessarily the specific act, but really want to show them that you love them), or you’re wasting your time

The movie “The Princess Bride” (Amazon affiliate link) is a comedy, though you would never know it from the preview available on the DVD.  In spite of this, the movie also demonstrates very effectively many of the qualities of a good man through the character of Wesley.  Wesley pretty much shows all the attributes of a good man:  He has honor, integrity, faithfulness, charity, persistence… let me list some examples.

Wesley falls in love with Buttercup at the beginning of the movie.  He does what he can to be near her, but doesn’t pressure her at all, and one day she finds she loves him, too.

Throughout the entire movie, Wesley never gives up.  He is kidnapped by pirates, kept away from his love for years, yet he persists.  He makes the best of that time, learning valuable new skills, but always keeping his focus on returning to his love.

Eventually he manages to find her, and follows her, having to get past a challenge of skill (the duel), a physical challenge (the wrestling with Andre the Giant), and a mental challenge.  In each case, he sets his focus on his current challenge, and bests someone who is of considerable ability in the area.  He also shows compassion for those he defeated, if they showed any themselves.

Through all this he never gives up.  When he rescues Buttercup, he doesn’t instantly reveal who he is, but challenges her own integrity.  When she shoves him away, after showing that her integrity is intact, he reveals himself.  They then try to escape through the fire swamp, where Buttercup falls into a sand trap.  Wesley dives right in after her, once again showing his honor and faithfulness.  After that, they continue through the fire swamp, where Wesley is fairly badly injured rescuing Buttercup once again.  In spite of that he persists and they make it through.

When they exit, they are confronted by Prince Humperdink and his men.  In spite of being wounded and horribly outnumbered, Wesley once again shows his honor and steps up to defend his love and their newly regained relationship.  Buttercup can’t stand the thought of losing him again and surrenders without asking him first, thinking she will save his life.  Wesley knows better, but to save her from having to see him die, he plays along, another example of his compassion.

Wesley ends up in a torture chamber, run by the Prince’s henchman and his henchman.  They torture him a bit, until the Prince come in a huff and sets the device’s torture level as high as it can go… Wesley’s screams are heard by the swordsman and giant that he fought earlier, where they are recognized as “the sound of ultimate suffering”.  Inigo, the swordsman, instantly knows that is Wesley because the sound doesn’t come from him being tortured to death, but from him knowing that “his true love marries another tonight”.

After he is revived, Wesley immediately starts seeking to once again return to his love, in spite of the fact that he can’t move.  He just never lets up… throughout the whole movie, he shows all the attributes of a good man.  He is a great example of how a man should behave, at least from what we see in the movie (I’m not endorsing piracy here).

Almost all of the other characters in the movie show both good and bad sides, just as in real life.  Even Wesley is reported to do something not really acceptable… he is the Dread Pirate Roberts, who takes no prisoners, but that bad thing doesn’t make an appearance in the movie.  All of the other characters have their flaws shown.  The swordsman and the strong man both give Wesley a fighting chance… but they’re still willing to kill him for money, and only revive him later so that the swordsman can pursue his vengeance.  Miracle Max helps, but only when it is advantageous to him.  Buttercup gives up the fight, promising to marry someone other than her love, though it IS to save her love’s life.  Prince Humperdink, the Count, the albino, and the man behind the kidnapping at the beginning show no real positive sides, although the albino is such a shallow character that he really never has a chance.

What Habits Are

“Habit” is a word for an area where your subconscious mind controls your actions in the absence of input from your conscious mind.  Most of your every day life is controlled by habits… you have a habit of breathing, sleeping, waking, etc.  When most people talk about habits, though, they are referring to ones where you are aware of the habit but still relinquish control to your subconscious.  Smoking, drinking, gambling… these are things where the decision to do it is made by your subconscious, and your conscious mind, while aware of what you are doing, is nothing but an observer.

There are two things you should know when looking at habits from this viewpoint.  The first is that if your conscious mind involves itself, becoming more than an observer, it can break (or change) that habit.  The second is that even if you do decide to make a change, but don’t give regular attention to maintaining the change, you will allow that area to slip back to your subconscious mind’s control.  If you have established enough of a different pattern, that won’t matter, because the subconscious will continue along the new pattern, but if you slip before that new pattern is set, your subconscious will go back to its old ways, and your habit will return.

Now let’s get something straight… not all habits are bad.  Taking a shower every day is a good habit, as are brushing your teeth, chewing with your mouth closed, and exercising.  Smoking can even be looked at as a good habit, if the benefits outweight the costs… it’s just that the costs for smoking are cumulative, and quite high over the long term, where the benefits are NOT cumulative, and only valuable over a very short term.  So one person may consider something a bad habit, where another might consider the same thing neutral or even good.

How Habits Form

You form habits by repeating the same response, or a very similar response, to the same, or very similar circumstances.  You form your habit of breathing by exhaling when your lungs are empty of oxygen and inhaling when they are empty of air.  You form your habit of smoking by picking up a cigarette in certain situations, which can then expand if you start doing so in more situations.  Doing something one time is seldom enough to form a habit… it usually requires tens, hundreds, or even thousands of repetitions.

Performing the same action in response to non-similar circumstances can peripherally reinforce a habit that is forming, but the impact is small.  That is, if you have a habit of smoking first thing in the morning, and you smoke one at lunch time, that isn’t really enough to expand the habit to smoking at lunch, and if you have smoked a few in the morning, then smoke one at lunch, it is unlikely to cement the habit of smoking in the morning, either.

How Habits Change

There are two kinds of change that can happen with a habit… replacement and removal.  Replacing a habit is FAR easier than removing it.

When you replace a habit, what you do is change which action is fired when certain circumstances trigger a habit response from your subconscious.  Basically, you have trained your subconscious to fire off a habit when certain circumstances arise.  Replacing a habit simply points that trigger at a different habit, such as chewing gum instead of smoking.  That’s relatively easy, because all you’re doing is choosing a different habit to fire, rather than trying to change the whole subconscious pattern of responding to those circumstances with a a habit.

Removing a habit is the other side of that coin… it is conditioning the subconscious to STOP responding to a certain set of circumstances by firing a habit trigger.  This is mostly done by altering the way you perceive the set of circumstances.  If you want to remove a habit of swearing, for example, you could train your subconscious to look at the circumstances where you would normally swear through a filter of “What if my baby was here?”.  Even this doesn’t actually remove the habit trigger, though… it simply keeps your subconscious from seeing the set of circumstances that trigger it.

That last is why people who form a habit of smoking, then quit, can one day pick it up right where they left off.  They changed their perception of the circumstances for the time where they quit, but then their perception goes back to, or close enough to, the old set that fire off that trigger.  Abra cadabra… your habit is back!

The ability for “removed” habits to return is one more reason why replacing habits is more effective… even if that set of circumstances arises, it fires off the replacement habit, not the original.  I haven’t really looked into replacement FOLLOWED by removal… that might be a relatively effective technique, so that even if you backslide it’s only to the replacement habit, not the original.

Conclusion

The reality is that if you want to alter a habit, the first thing you must do it become consciously aware of it.  After you become aware, you have to make a conscious decision to change, and you’d better have motivation for the change, too (and internal sources of motivation are by far the strongest, most persistent sort).  Then you can work on replacing the habit or removing the habit trigger.

Don’t expect instant results when trying to change habits.  Chances are pretty good that you’ll have a fight on your hands for at least two weeks… often much longer.  Just keep your focus on now, on the progress you have already made, the changes that you already have, not on the permanent change that is your goal… it’ll make it much easier to stick with it.

Most companies, and most people, are clueless when it comes to motivating their employees to do their best.  They think the key to motivating their employees is a combination of threats and rewards, with the rewards mostly consisting of salary and benefits.

That is actually about as inefficient for motivating people as you could come up with and still have employees.  When you pay people by salary, you’re paying them for being present at work.  Benefits are the same, except that instead of the employee choosing what to spend the money on, the employer chooses.

You get what you pay for.  If you pay people to be present at work, they will be present at work.  They will, generally speaking, do enough work while there to avoid getting in trouble.  That’s how the normal pay structure works… they threaten you with reprimands or firing if you don’t produce your quota, and reward you for being there, doing the minimum amount of work via salary and benefits.

But what do you get if you do more work, or better work?  Generally speaking, you get nothing… at all.  Often times you don’t even get a verbal thank you from your boss, let alone something that stands out in your memory.

So we’ve covered why the normal structure doesn’t work… now let’s get to the meat of the article, what does work.

1. Pay By Accomplishment

   This is probably the strongest motivation of all the items on this list.  Unfortunately, it is also the one that is the hardest to implement… you can implement any of the others at any level of a company, from three man teams up to the entire corporation.  This particular change, however, has to come from the top, because it is a HUGE change from the norm, and requires a lot of additional work for initial setup.

   That being said, paying someone for what they accomplish makes how hard they work mean something.  At the vast majority of companies, if I don’t work in sales, I can have triple the output of the next highest worker in my same department/field/whatever, and I will make zero more than him.  In fact, I will make zero more than the LOWEST performing person.

   A lot of companies actually do pay by accomplishment, but only for their sales department.  After all, it’s very easy to see how the performance of a salesman affects the company monetarily… when they sell more, the company makes more.  That’s obvious enough that it’s not hard to talk people into paying a commission, or in other words, by accomplishment.

   Other departments, on the other hand, are generally not quite so obvious.  The change in most departments comes from them becoming more efficient, accomplishing more of whatever they do in less time, with less effort, and generally with less money (especially if they become efficient enough to need less staff).  That being said, other departments are more difficult because it’s harder to measure their output, also.

   Take a call center, for example.  If you pay people based on how many calls they handle, you will get them pushing people off the phone, not really providing good service.  If you pay them based on customer satisfaction on the other hand, you may get them spending TOO much time per call.  So the solution, in cases like this, is to use multiple criteria… in this case, they get paid based on the number of calls combined with customer satisfaction.  If people report a three out of five satisfaction, you get X amount.  If it’s a 4 out of 5, you get Y amount.

   As a special note, the criteria for departments that perform maintenance should have to do with uptime (ie the time where there are no problems) rather than problems fixed, or you get backwards incentives (incentive to cause, or at least not prevent, problems).

   One last note, but it’s very important.  All companies should have a standing policy that if an employee suggests something that improves profit, whether by increasing revenue or saving money, that employee should get a percentage of the increased profit.  That provides HUGE motivation for actually suggesting ideas that might really contribute to your company.

2. Reward Extra Effort By Means Other Than Money

   This is an important motivator, as well.  Money is nice (very nice to some), but what motivates many people even more, once their basic financial needs are met, is public recognition of their extra effort.  This can be a nice little plaque, a meeting called in which they are thanked, or even just having the boss take them out to lunch.  These things don’t have to be big and expensive, though people will remember that, too, they just shouldn’t be totally cheap for it’s type of item(don’t give them a $2.99 watch if you are going to give them a watch, give them a $40.00 (or more, if you’d like) watch).  Being cheap provides exactly the opposite effect of what you’re after, telling them that you don’t value their extra effort any higher than whatever cheap amount you spent.

3. Hold Contests

   Most people are, by nature, at least somewhat competitive in any area where they think they are good.  That means you have to design your contests to be in an area that helps performance, while still making everyone feel like they are able to participate.  Retail sales is a great example of this idea… you can set up a small prize, say $50, for the person who sells the most items, or the most value, in a limited time, like a week or two.  The second might even work better, because it allows people to be less high pressure salesmen, instead concentrating on getting a few people to buy big items.

   Even though the amount is relatively small, people will work harder, both because they want the prize and because they want to WIN.  That desire to win enables you to use much smaller prizes than you otherwise would need.

4. Distribute (Or Post) Top Workers Lists

   This is really a combination of #2 and #3, a contest where the reward is other than money (though you can certainly offer money to whoever is number one on the list for even more motivation).  Again, this draws on people’s competitive nature.  People love to hear that they are number one at almost anything.  People are proud to be the number one coffee bean grinder… it doesn’t really matter how trivial the thing is, it’s still motivational to hear someone recognize you as number one.  Top worker lists build on this… and can be organized by any criteria you choose.  You can have the top salesman by volume, by dollars, or by customer satisfaction.  Or you can have a list for each, though each list you add dilutes the value of all existing lists by a little bit.

If you have the ability to do these things, you will find your employees working harder for you, and more satisfied with their jobs, even if their actual monetary wages don’t change much.  The secret to motivating your subordinates is understanding that they want to be rewarded for their efforts, not for their time.

There are exceptions to that rule… there are people who prefer to be paid for their time, rather than their efforts.  There is a reason they prefer it that way, though… they don’t want to work hard, to put in effort beyond the minimum.  The great secondary benefit to changing your reward structure is these minimum effort people will (after much complaining) tend to find their way out of the company, while the ones who work hard will stay.  That makes your company (or department, or non-profit, or whatever) that much leaner and stronger.

Rewarding people based on their efforts will get you (or help you keep) better employees, help you weed out the ones who are not contributing their fair share, and make your good employees happier, all while almost certainly helping both your income and your profit.

When you look at any large company from the inside, it’s easy to see that they usually have at least some people in leadership positions for which they are quite simply unqualified.  Why does this happen?  Why is it so consistent?

I’m glad you asked… I’ve been thinking about this issue for a long time.  There are a few reasons behind this phenomenon that all tie together to make it almost inevitable once a company reaches a certain size.

1. Promotion Based On Skill In Current Job

   I’m really not sure how this one got started, but there is a very strong, almost universal, tendency to promote someone who is very good at their current job to a different job, without regards to the different skill set that is needed.  The best salesman that a company has is likely to be promoted to sales manager, should that position come open, for example.  This in spite of the fact that a manager needs an entirely different skill set AND the fact that you’re taking the best salesman away from directly selling.

   That’s not to say that the person who is the best at their current job is NOT the best qualified for the promotion… they may very well be the best.  But whether they are the best choice for a promotion has nothing to do with their skill at their current job… only with the qualities they have that apply to the new job.

2. Promotion Based On Longevity

   This is even stronger than #1.  This tendency is almost universal, and it most likely derives from the valued trait of loyalty… they have given the most time to your company, so you reward their loyalty with a promotion.  This tendency at least has an advantage over #1, in that it doesn’t automatically take the best person away from the job where they excel, but it is just as random about finding good leaders.  The person who has been there longest is no more or less likely to be the best choice for the promotion purely based on longevity.

3. Stigma Attached To Being Passed Over For Promotion

   And that leads us to number 3… if you would be up for promotion based on either of the two tendencies above, and someone else is promoted that is NOT based on one of those tendencies, it carries a strong social stigma.  So strong, in fact, that it can often lead to someone quitting an otherwise satisfying, well-paying job.  If you get passed over, and other people know it (and they will), it makes them think lower of you because they think there must be something wrong with you that caused you to be passed over… even if it’s only slightly, it’s still noticeable, and unpleasant.

4. No Demotions

   Another major reason why leadership tends to grow progressively worse is that people are never demoted.  If you are promoted to a new job, and you can’t do it, you should be demoted back to where you were before.  Unfortunately, that basically never happens… the stigma attached to demotion is so strong that demoting someone not merely tarnishes their reputation, it tarnishes the reputation of the one who demotes them, as well.  Nobody wants to work for someone who demotes people… even though if you’re good at your job, working for someone who does that is actually GOOD for you.  It also basically guarantees that the person who is demoted will leave the company.

5. Strong Stigma Attached To Not Accepting Promotion

   There is also a stigma attached to not accepting a promotion.  While this one is not as strong as the previous two, it still certainly exists.  Anyone who knows you turned down a promotion will assume that there is something wrong… and if they can’t find out what it is, they will start speculating, potentially leading to new and potentially harmful rumors.  Nobody wants that, so they feel strong pressure to accept any promotion that is offered, even if they don’t really want it.

All of those factors combine to cause people to be promoted until they hit a point where they can’t do the job they have reached.  Then the higher-ups don’t want to cause problems by demoting the person back to a previous job where he was more qualified, and if they did, that person would feel obligated to leave the company… even if he liked the old job better AND made more money!  The social stigma is that strong.

Since that leaves people promoted past their level of expertise, and often times even past their level of competency, it causes the leadership at the company to deteriorate, and that leads to even worse choices for leaders, as having someone who is not a good leader pick the leaders under them is not a good idea.  This extremely strong tendency toward lowering standards of leadership as a company grows and ages is one of the primary reasons why new companies CAN come in and compete and become the new big companies…  their execution of ideas and strategies is generally better, due to less of the above causes having had a chance to set in, thereby balancing the leverage of existing companies due to strong branding and established presence.

PS – This article was inspired by John McKenna in his leadership challenge.