How would you like one simple way to make anyone like you, or if they already like you, like you more?  This isn’t in the romantic sense, although more platonic liking has, of course, been known to evolve to that.

It really doesn’t take much… there are four steps involved, but all of them are easy, particularly since (presumably) you already are interested (again, not necessarily in the romantic sense) in that person.  None of the steps should take very long, either, although we’re not just talking about a couple minutes, either.

So what is this way that I’m talking about?  What is the one thing that is virtually guaranteed to make someone like you, or like you more?

It’s easy… let them teach you something that kindles their interest, or better yet, their passion.  For example, you could ask me to teach you something about writing (one of my passions), or about web development (one of my interests), and you will very nearly automatically have my attention.

The four steps involved in one simple way to make anyone like you:

1. Find Their Interests

   The first step is to find out what their interests and/or passions are.  Without this knowledge, you’re going to be rolling the dice… whatever topic you bring up may or may not interest them, and if it doesn’t, your net result may be negative, other than making them aware of you if they were not before… but never underestimate the power of someone being aware of you.  If you can find them out, and you really should be able to do so, you’re starting with an advantage.

2. Learn A Little Bit About One (or more)

   Now that you have completed step one, choose one or more of their interests that also sound interesting to you.  It’s even better if it’s an interest that you already had, but regardless, don’t fake it.  Faking interest in the area can definitely work in the short term, but you can only keep faking it to a certain point, and once you pass that point, the person you want to like you may feel more negative feelings toward you from being used/manipulated/deceived than you ever generated in positive feelings.

   Once you have chosen the interest(s) you want to concentrate on, learn something about them.  If you were already interested, you may have this part already accomplished.  If not, don’t worry about acquiring in-depth knowledge, all you need is to learn enough to know how to ask questions about it.

3. Bring Up The Subject

   Now that you know enough to ask questions, find a way to bring up the subject with the person.  There are an almost infinite number of ways to do this, but make sure it doesn’t sound artificial.  It can be as simple as using a news story that has some relationship, drop a hint that you are doing something related to it (ie if you want to bring up writing with me, you might mention something that you are writing/have written), or just point out something that reminds you of it (if the topic of interest is dogs, and you see a cloud that sort of resembles one, you can use that).  It doesn’t really matter how you bring it up, as long as it doesn’t sound forced.

4. Ask Them To Teach Or Explain Something

   Now that you have brought up the subject once, it will be easier to bring up again… you can say something like “I was thinking about what you said the other day…” and it’s natural and brings up the subject again.  It also makes it easy to move on to this step… you just add “and I was wondering ” along with “what you think about x”, “what you meant by y”, “how you learned z”, or anything else of the sort… making it into a question about them and their knowledge.  If the area of interest is one where they might be considered an advanced amateur or a pro, you might ask them to teach you how to do something in the field.  If they are more beginner or just moving to amateur, you might do better asking them what they think about something in the field.  Whatever their status in the area, you’ll usually do well by asking what they think about a specific piece of recent news that involves or is related to that area of interest.

   There really are a lot of ways you can go with this, but the idea is to get them talking about something they care about, something that also is of interest to you.  Once they start talking, just sit back and listen, encouraging them sometimes, possibly injecting some additional information or expanding a little on something they said where you are in agreement, but mostly letting them do the talking.

I mentioned at the beginning of this article that one way to make anyone like you is to ask them to teach you something.  Notice that I said “teach”, not “tell”… that’s because you have to actually listen, pay attention, and learn what they are teaching.  That’s also why I said you need to pick something in which you are genuinely interested… if you are only faking interest, it’s going to require a LOT of investment of your energy to continue to pay attention and learn.  And the amount of energy it takes is only going to go up as you go along, thus bringing you to the point where you can no longer fake it.

So, there you have it… a simple way to make anyone like you.  Use it in happiness and health.

We all know someone who plays the game of one-upsmanship, and at least for the guys, have probably at least been tempted to play the game ourselves at some point (sorry girls… I don’t know how much you play the game amongst yourselves, I have a lot more experience being a guy).  What is the game of one-upsmanship?

It’s the game where the player has to be better (or worse) than everyone else.  If you have a fast car, they have (or even more likely, had) a faster or more expensive one.  If you were really sick, they’ve been sicker.  Whatever you have or do, they have had or done something bigger, more attention getting.

And you see, that in itself is part of the game… whatever they are “one-up”-ing you with, it’s almost always something that you have no way of verifying.  Nobody else around was there or even saw it.  There is no proof as to whether they are telling the truth or not… but when they do it often enough, you may start to have a pretty strong suspicion about ALL of it.

Now to the fun part… why do people play that game?  What does it tell you about them?   Let’s list out why some people have to be better than you:

1. They Need Attention

   One of the biggest reasons why people have to “be better than you” is because they crave attention.  They believe, quite reasonably, that they will get more attention than you if they have out-done you.  It’s quite reasonable to believe this because it is, in fact, true.  When it happens every time and is impossible to verify, however, people will cease to believe the person doing it, giving them even less attention than they originally did, until they get to the point that they are ignored even when they ARE telling the truth.  It’s the whole “boy who cried wolf” syndrome.

2. They Need To Compete

   Guys are especially notorious for this, although my female friends have told me that the competition and infighting among women is just as bad… it’s just hidden better.  So… if you have an overwhelming need to compete, what easier way to do so than to play the game of one-upsmanship?  You have a famous friend?  They have one that’s more famous… or more than one that is famous.  You had a friend die?  They had one die in a more tragic way.  They’re competing… in EVERYTHING.  Of course, this part backfires as well… once people get the impression that someone has to compete on everything, they tend to discount what they say, and when possible, not allow them to compete at all, by excluding the competer from whatever everyone else is doing.

3.  They Can’t “Lose Face”

   Guys, in general, are especially sensitive to looking bad in front of other people… even more so when the other person is a woman, and even more than THAT when she’s attractive.  A lot of one-upsmanship occurs for this reason… it’s closely related to the need to compete, listed above, but not the same.  The additional pressure of trying to impress a specific person, whether an attractive woman or someone who commands much respect, can cause guys who normally wouldn’t play the game to start.  Like the things listed above, however, doing this a lot backfires… nobody really likes someone who always has to be better, even if the person is doing it to someone else.

4. And It All Boils Down To… They Are Insecure

   All three of the points above boil down to the fact that the person doing it is uncertain about their own worth, uncertain that people will like or respect them for who they are, rather than what they have or do.  The reverse is closer to the truth, though.  People DO respect someone who has the honesty and integrity to be themselves, to admit when they don’t know something, to give respect to someone who deserves it without diminishing themselves.  And, to be honest, if you ARE secure in your own worth, it doesn’t really matter what other people think about you… so you have no incentive to play the game

Everyone knows someone who always has to be “better than you”, and I can state with quite a bit of confidence that your mental reaction when you think of them is distate or stronger.  Even if you play the game yourself, you probably don’t like other people who do the same.

When someone always has to emphasize how they are better than everyone else, everyone else assumes the reverse… that the person’s character, demeanor, and observable actions aren’t enough to speak for themselves.  That’s not really the reaction that anyone wants, and those who play the game would be well advised to stop.

So… why play the game at all?

No two people see reality in exactly the same way.  The same event, viewed by ten different people, will be perceived in ten different, sometimes wildly different ways.

That point has been made many, many times, by many, many people, including me.  The problem is that we use different language to refer to the same thing… the beliefs, opinions, prior knowledge, and other internal factors that color our perception of reality.  I generally vary between two words to describe this:  filters or lenses.  For me, the difference is that filters refer to individual beliefs, opinions, etc., where when I use lens, I’m generally speaking of the entire collection of such things that belongs to one person.

Other people use other labels, such as mental maps, “centers”, etc.  But it’s all referring to that set of internal factors that are what makes your perception of reality unique.  Unfortunately, the profusion and variety of lables may cause some people to think that they all refer to different things, and therefore scatter their efforts amongst all the labels and techniques to become aware of them, or just give up the whole concept as something too difficult for them.

Perhaps if there were one agreed upon term, that would make it easier for more people to begin (or extend) the process of becoming aware of the things that color their perceptions of reality.  Standardizing terms makes it easier, in fact possible, to communicate… if you don’t have certain words and their definitions in common, it is impossible to communicate a concept.  If, for instance, what I call black is what you call white, then when I refer to “a black car”, you’ll never get the message that I was trying to send.

The same goes for terms in regards to perception… if you don’t understand what I mean when I say the lens through which you perceive reality, then any further discussion on the topic is futile.  If I don’t know what you mean when you say “centers”, in regards to perception, then I won’t understand anything else that you say that depends upon that concept.

The problem here is the same as with perception, though… we all perceive the things which affect our perception differently, and with different previous experience, so the term that suits the concept best is not the same from person to person.  So even if you understand what I mean when I say lens, it may not help YOU that much, though it might be perfect for your best friend.  And in matters of perception, what works for you is more important than an agreed upon standard.  Whatever concept allows you to start finding, acknowledging, and altering your own personal collection of beliefs, opinions, and other internal factors in influencing your perception is the right concept (or term) for you.

So… what’s in a name when it comes to perception?  Everything and nothing… it can “make it click” for you, so that you understand, but once you understand the idea, the name no longer matters… you translate it automatically.  If my “filters” and “lenses” don’t work for you, you could try Stephen Covey‘s centers from 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People (Amazon aff).  If those don’t work, either, I’m quite certain there are many, many other terms and concepts out there for you to try… or you can always do what I did, and come up with your own.

If you do have other terms you use, or terms from other people, please feel free to share them and link to them in the comments… provided the sites linked to are clean.

Virtually all relationships can use a little improvement, even if they are going along great.  Bad relationships may need some serious changes before they can improve, while good relationships can always use a few small changes to make them even better.

On the other hand, as has been said many times before, it’s the small things that add up and determine the quality and character of the relationship.  So even if your relationship can’t exactly be described as a good one, making it a habit to do the small things listed in this article and others like them may bring it back from the brink, and turn it from lead to gold.

Let’s just get started, then, so you can get started on figuring out how to use these (or coming up with more… if you do, please comment!) 7 small things you can do to improve your relationship:

1. Say “I love you”

   You do love them, and they know it, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need to hear it.  I generally find that the amount I tell my wife that I love her varies directly with how close I feel to her… though I think it’s the being close that causes me to tell her more, rather than the other way around.  Either way, it lets her know that I am thinking about her right then.

   One thing to watch out for, though, is overdoing it, especially if your significant other is not feeling particularly close to you at the moment.

2. Drop Everything

   You can really show how much you love someone by dropping everything that you’re doing to go give them attention.  This works especially well if you do it right when you see them after being apart, such as right when they come home.  There’s very little that makes me feel better than when my wife drops whatever she’s doing when I come home and meets me at the door, throwing her arms around my neck.

   This is another one of those whose effectiveness varies considerably depending on the recipient’s mood, however.

3. Pay Attention

   It feels good when somebody notices what you’ve been working on… so pay attention and see where they’ve been spending their time, energy, and attention.  You should notice when your significant other gets a new item of clothing, a new haircut, a new scent (ie perfume/cologne), or anything else that changes.  Let them know you noticed, especially if it’s something they did for you (like if they bought that new item of clothing because they know it’s something you like).  It doesn’t hurt to thank them, either, when it’s something for you, or even something that’s not for you, but IS something you appreciate.

4. Let Them Know When You Are Impressed

   This one is actually a big deal, though in my experience it seems to be a bigger deal for men than for women.  It doesn’t really matter how small the thing is that impressed you, everyone likes to know that they did something that you find remarkable… it could be that you threw something to them and they caught it, in spite of it not being the greatest throw, all the way up to them getting a promotion or a new job.

   There’s a corollary to this, as well… let them know when you are proud of them.  If your significant other spends a significant amount of time and energy on something, and achieves a significant results, such as losing a lot of weight, completing a long and involved project, overcoming their anger, or something else involving a difficult accomplishment, let them know that you are proud of them for what they’ve done and for sticking with it… it will make them feel much better and provide more motivation for their next serious effort.

5. Remember Special Moments… And Share

   When you’ve been together for a while, even a short while, you will have special moments together.  As you’re together longer, you will pile up more and more of these, and while some of the initial, lesser, special moments may fade, you will always have a collection of these moments.  While going through your daily life, it’s quite likely that something will make you remember one of these special moments… when it does, take a moment to really remember it.  If you are with your significant other, share the memory right then.  If not, try to remember the circumstances… what brought up the memory, how it made you feel, etc., and tell them later.

6. Buy Them Something Small Spontaneously

   This is always easy… pick up something small for them that they like, for no reason.  Buy your wife flowers (or chocolates… as long as she’s not working hard to lose weight… if she is it will make her love you AND hate you), your husband a new gadget, or whatever it is that they like.  Your definition of small may vary… to me something small is something that costs less than $20.  If you make more money than me, that might be $1,000… if you make less it might be $5.  Whatever amount small is to you, it’s just something to show that you were thinking about them and willing to go out of your way in order to get them something they like.

7. Make Them Their Favorite Thing For Dinner

   This one really doesn’t take that much effort and can really have a big effect, especially if you don’t do it all that often (it makes it more unusual, and that makes it of greater significance).  This is another way of showing them that you were thinking about them, and willing to spend your time, effort, and attention on doing something specifically for them.

   This also works if their favorite thing for you to make for dinner is reservations.

These are all small things you can do… they don’t take more than a few minutes, mostly, with the exception of number seven.  When you do them regularly, though, mixing them up and making them a part of who you are and what you do, they can really add up to a serious improvement in your relationship.

This is not a complete list, by any means… it’s more a list of some of the small things that I do for my wife (and she does for me) that I know really add up to make a big impact over the long run.  I’m always looking for new things, though, so if you have any additions, please leave them in the comments for me.

Aaron has tagged me for another writing challenge (Caring, Compassion, Charity from Alex Shalman) as well, and this is something that I have been thinking about** for years, and have actually come up with some plans, though they require far more money than I have currently.  Who knows, perhaps this article will bring me into contact with someone who has the same passion as I do, but has the money to back it.

Alex, in the article linked above, says his passion is for taking care of children… so is mine, but with a different focus.  You see, I believe that a lot of the negative things in the U.S. and in the world come from the fact that children are no longer taught how to be an adult.  One of my passions is to build an alternate school system in the U.S. that actually teaches kids the things they need to know… both as far as academics go, and in regards to how to be an independent adult.

So what are some of the flaws with current school system?  I’ll limit this to just a few…

Kids Are No Longer Expected To Earn Their Rewards

Every year the school system in the U.S. marches farther and farther down the path to just giving kids credit for being present, rather than for actually learning and doing the work.  At some schools students have to be unable to learn or apply over half of the material taught in the class before they fail!  What’s the point of the class if you only require them to learn half of the material?

The schools here are also trying to eliminate competition in physical education, sports, and the playground.  If there are no winners, if hard work gets you the same result as little to no work, what is that teaching our children?  One thing it certainly isn’t teaching is a good work ethic.

Punishment Doesn’t Fit The Crime

This works both ways… kids are allowed to get away with ridiculous things with little or no punishment for disrupting class, disrespecting the teacher, and sometimes even threatening the teacher or other students.  After the lack of enforcement has its entirely predictable effect, draconian punishments are handed out for minor offenses, like a ten day suspension (or even expulsion) for bringing aspirin to school.  If they would just let teachers enforce discipline at the class level, and then back those teachers up at the administrative level, we could prevent the former, and with oversight and accountability we could eliminate the latter.

Teacher Ability Has Nothing To Do With Teacher Reward

Throughout most of the U.S. teachers receive the same compensation whether the percentage of students who pass is 50% or 100%.  And, of course, if you are going to use passing percentage to determine teacher quality, then you have to remove the ability for the teacher to give easy grades, and standardize.  It would also let you include other, better (but not quite as obvious) criteria, like the improvement in kids from one year to the next.

Here’s a quick excerpt from my thinking** on this:

We already have (at least) state-wide standards for what needs to be covered in a class.  We just need to expand that a little bit further, and have a panel of non-teachers write questions for testing that knowledge, and then have computers randomly choose from a pool of questions to create a test for a specific student.  If you want to take that one step further, you also submit those tests (once taken) to another independent panel to grade them.  You have now taken away all ability for a teacher to play favorites (or its opposite, giving bad grades to a student they don’t like), as well as to grade easily or harshly.  You have also standardized what is taught to students, so that you can have a good idea what someone who has graduated from a particular grade knows.

It also doesn’t take away the freedom of the teacher to teach beyond the tests… but that material isn’t what has been determined is essential to graduating that class, so it is just bonus knowledge for the students. 

This method would provide a good way to measure the performance of individual teachers up through schools and even to school districts or an entire state.  Compensation could be based on this performance, encouraging good teachers to stay, average teachers to improve their performance, and bad teachers to leave.  It also provides a very good way to compare the academic performance of individual students from different schools and different teachers… which I’m certain would interest colleges.

My passion is to change the schools… what’s yours?

** I really have been thinking about this for years, and have documented some of my thinking, so if you are seriously interested, you can comment on here. **

I’ve been tagged by Aaron to participate in Lorraine’s “What Gives You Courage?” challenge.  The challenge is to write an article that covers:

What’s the bravest thing you ever did that you’re most proud of? What gave you courage to be brave then, that continues to give you courage today?

I do want to respond, but I’m going to have to respond in other than the expected fashion.  Because, you see, I don’t believe in that kind of bravery or courage.  Courage (I’m going to stick to that word, and leave bravery here) isn’t about one thing you did, or one moment.

Courage is something that is in all of your life, and your courage will be reflected in each one of your actions, your choices, to one degree or another.  The chance that someone will do something courageous in one set of circumstances and cowardly in another, unless separated by enough time that the person has changed substantially, is remote.  To put it bluntly, you are either courageous or you are not.

In my recent article,  Courage Without Limit – The End Of Doubt And Fear, I wrote about how you build unfailing, unblinking courage.  Essentially it boils down to getting rid of the clutter on the surface of your mind, and always making any decision by choosing the path that best reflects who you are and who you want to be.  There will always only be one choice that best reflects who you are, and that choice is the right choice for you.  Once you learn to do that every time, your courage is complete, because there is no fear… and fear is the only thing holding you back from acting courageously.

That kind of courage will be reflected in a moment, when you choose whether to risk your life to save another, and in a lifetime, as you learn and grow to be more of who you want to be.  It gives you the courage to make huge decisions with long reaching impact, because it’s not the outcome you’re focused on, it’s the path leading into the future.

So the only answer that I can give to the questions Lorraine asked is:  Being open and honest with myself and others about who I am, and living my life that way… because that is what courage is.

What’s so amazing about posture?  Where do I start?  It affects your mood and your clarity of thought… it also is an extremely powerful part of body language, so it affects the way everyone around you perceives you.

If you are having one of those days where your outlook, your whole attitude, is negative, you can shatter that negativity.  If you are having one of those days when you have trouble focusing mentally, you can brush away the blurriness.  If you have a meeting with an important client, and you’re nervous, you can shake the nerves and never let him see you sweat. You can do all of this through the power of posture.

You have heard it said for years how important body language is in how others perceive you, and probably have an intuitive understanding of its importance in anyway.  But did you know that you subconsciously listen to your own body language?

Take note of your posture right now… what mood or feeling does it reflect?  When you stand with your arms crossed, in a defensive posture, you are not only conveying that defensiveness to others, you are conveying it to your subconscious, which then reinforces those feelings.  If, on the other hand, you are sitting back, feet kicked out in front of you, with a big smile on your face, you are telling your subconscious to reinforce THOSE feelings.

It doesn’t even matter if you are feeling completely the opposite way in your conscious mind, except in that it becomes harder to maintain the posture of the feeling that you DO want.  You can alter your mood from sad to happy, angry to calm, nervous to calm, distracted to focused, or any other change you’d like… including going from a positive mood to a negative one, though there generally isn’t much call for that.

Being aware of your posture allows you to much more easily exert your will over your emotions than trying to wrestle with them directly.  All you have to do is drop the posture, the body language, or the emotion that you want to weaken or cast out, and adopt the posture of the emotion that you want to strengthen or create.

So that leads to the question:  How do you know what to do, how to position your body, to get the mood you want?  It’s really not that hard… first of all you’ll have a natural feel for the posture of most emotions.  Past that, however, you can use your imagination to figure it out:  You can either imagine yourself in a situation that would make you feel that mood (which, if you keep at it long enough, will actually push you toward that mood, too), or you can imagine someone you know of who projects the attitude you want.  Now look, with your mind’s eye, at the posture that whomever you are imagining has… and put your body in that same posture.  Simple, right?

Now comes the hard part… the mood/attitude change doesn’t happen immediately.  You have to maintain your awareness, and your attention, on your posture.  You have to use your will to force your body into a posture other than the one it naturally wants to adopt based on what you’re currently feeling, rather than on you want to feel.

You’ll have to maintain this focus for a few minutes.  Fortunately, however, it gets easier and easier, because your mood moves along a scale, not in an absolute switch.  That means that even though you may not actually be feeling the way you want to yet, you’ll be getting closer and closer, making it less of a struggle to maintain that posture.

If you can keep your posture suitable for the mood you want, without slacking off, it should take less than five minutes for you to make a major change, from one end of the spectrum to at least a good ways toward the other end.  Minor changes can sometimes be accomplished in 30 seconds.  Once you’ve made the change, just maintain your awareness of your posture enough to keep from sliding back to another posture, and you will maintain the mood you want, as well.

Take note of your posture again now… has it changed?  It often will just because you are made aware of it… you will consciously change your posture to remove the elements that you know signify things that you don’t want to feel, or at least don’t want to show.

So… be aware of your posture, and choose to have it reflect the emotion, attitude, or mood that you want to feel.

Benjamin Franklin famously said that time is money, and the phrase is still quite popular today.  What it means is that money is a representation of time… your employer (or client) pays you to spend some of your time doing whatever it is that they need and you do.  Your friends and family also want you to spend time with them, and while that’s not exactly money, it IS value.

That sounds like it makes sense, right?  Nothing unusual there… it’s commonly accepted wisdom.  It also happens to be wrong.

The truth of the matter is that time is worthless.  Literally… it’s worth nothing at all.  What really has value, and what makes your time worth something, is attention.

I’m going to break this article into two sections:  work and relationships.

Why Time Is Money Is Wrong…

 

At Work

Think about it… if you just showed up at your job, but did nothing at all, do you think that your employer (or clients) would want to continue to pay you?  Of course not… they are paying you to give your attention to the tasks they want accomplished.

There is a base amount of attention that anyone can give to any task.  Someone skilled at that task can, essentially, bring to bear attention paid to the task in the past in the current situation, thus making their time more valuable, because more attention is being given to the task… it’s just that some of that attention came beforehand.  Skills that are complex require more attention for the average person to learn, which translates to bringing more attention to a task if you DO have that skill, resulting in people with complex skills being paid more than people with simpler skills… brain surgeons possess more complex skills than house painters, for example, so they get paid more.

So the basic measure of value is attention.  But this isn’t just in the economic sense… attention is the basic measure of value in relationships, also., which leads us to the next section, why time is money is wrong…

In Relationships

People always claim that they need more time together, but it’s not what they really mean.  I am guilty of this, too… I tell my wife I need more time with her when what I really mean is that I need more time with her where our attention is on each other (three year old children use up an awful lot of attention).  We need, to put it in more familiar terms, quality time, not just quantity time.

Any relationship that you give attention to increases in value (which can also be called importance, here) to you.  The person on the other end of the relationship will definitely notice any significant change in the level of attention that you give them.  This can be good or bad… most people will generally appreciate an increase in attention, but too much attention in a relationship that the other person gives less importance to can start to seem creepy (as in stalker-ish).

It’s very important to remember the distinction between time and attention… time without attention has a net negative value, because you are causing the other person to invest some of their attention without getting anything in return.  This is immediately evident in relationships… if you go out to dinner with someone, and the whole time they are talking on their cell phone, it’s worse than never having gone out at all.

Summary

It takes time for the value of attention to reach its maximum.  That means the the value of your attention goes up as you spend more consecutive time giving something, or even moreso someone, your undivided attention.  With regard to things, or tasks, you can think of this as “getting in the groove”.  With regard to people, you can think of it as warming up or breaking the ice.

Becoming consciously aware of where you are spending your attention can make you much more effective.  You can become more efficient as you learn to focus more of your attention on what you are currently doing.  This can lead to you getting more done, being more productive, and accomplishing more of your goals.

You can also improve your relationships vast amounts by understanding the power of attention… giving someone your undivided attention, especially over a longer time, is incredibly flattering, and people WILL notice and respond to the fact that you are showing that you find them important and valuable.

So… are you aware of where you are spending your attention?

It seems like these days it is hard to find someone saying good things about their father.  I don’t know if the overall quality of fathering is going down, if people don’t appreciate their father as much, or if people just talk about it more these days, but almost every time you hear about someone’s father, it’s in a negative light.

Well, I’m here to tell you that my dad is great.  I really couldn’t ask for a better father than the one I got… sure we had a few disagreements, and there are a couple of areas where I wish he would have pushed me, but overall I don’t think there is a better dad available.

So, now that I’m a father myself, I have a lot of good stuff to look back on for lessons on how I should be a dad to my kids.  The most important thing about being a good dad is that it’s about BEing a good dad… it’s who you are, not what you do.  The things listed below are things a good dad should be, things that I learned not from my dad telling me, but from watching who he was (and is).

Here we go, then, with 10 things my father taught me about how to be a good dad:

1. Be Calm

   Kids will always do things to provoke you, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.  A good dad should keep his temper, not yelling or screaming, or throwing huge punishments for a minor offense just because he’s angry.  After all, you don’t really want to teach your kids to do those things, do you?

2. Be Loving

   It’s important to remind your kids that you love them.  This includes telling them that you love them, but also other things, like being supportive when they need it, wiping away tears, and hugging them… no matter how big they get.  Showing you love them is just as important as telling them that you love them… but don’t forget to tell them, too.

3. Be Patient

   Sometimes you may wish your kids would just get around to learning something already, or that they would finally be responsible and take care of their chores without having to be reminded 143 times.  It’s at these times that you need to be patient and remember that kids are kids… give them time, give them your patience.  They are worth it.

4. Be Proud

   It’s sort of a cliche that fathers are proud of their children… but a lot of fathers don’t realize how important it is to actually tell their kids, not just their friends and coworkers!  Your kids need to know that you’re proud of them… and the things that they do that you show them you’re proud of are the things they will try to do again.  If you show them that you are proud of their good grades, they will try to get good grades… if you show them that you are proud of them being a good person, or good with their siblings, or something else, they will do whatever it is that made you proud again (or at least try).

5. Be Honest

   It’s important to be honest with your children.  It’s important to be honest in general, really, but your kids will learn from you… and you want them to be honest, presumably.  If you don’t want your children to know about something, whether because it’s inappropriate for them or for other reasons, tell them that… don’t just lie to cover it up.

6. Be Firm

   When you set rules, make them stick.  If they are supposed to be home by 8:00, and they walk in the door at 8:07, they need to be punished, barring extenuating circumstances… and there shouldn’t ALWAYS be extenuating circumstances.  On the other hand, don’t be unbendable… let them have a little freedom, and give them a break if the rule break is an exception, rather than the rule.

7. Be Yourself

   It’s important to be yourself around your children.  Some people are completely different people around their children than they are around other people.  Your children WILL see this, and it will have two negative effects:  it will erode their trust in you (You ARE being deceitful after all… you can’t honestly be two different people), and it will teach them that this is appropriate behavior for them as well.  You may find this second part affects you directly… they may be an entirely different person in front of you than they are around their friends.

8. Be Father First, Friend Second

   It is awesome to not only be a parent, but also a friend to your child.  You need to remember which one comes first, however.  Kids need a dad more than they need a friend, and you’re the best option for that… and if you won’t be a father to them, they’ll be looking for that influence elsewhere.

9. Be Respectful

   It’s very important to teach your children to respect you… but it’s also very important that you respect them.  This means giving them room to grow and learn, it means talking to them as an equal (when you can… it’s not appropriate when setting rules or punishment, for example), and treating them as their own individual person.  It means respecting their decisions when you can, even if it’s not what you would have done, or not what you think is best for them.  That doesn’t mean don’t give advice… just accept that sometimes they need to make their own way.  It’s the only way they’ll ever grow up mentally and emotionally.

10. Be There

    This could be a whole article by itself… and who knows, at some point it may be!  For this article, however, I’ll keep it simple:  Children need a father.  They need a father who is in their life, who pays attention to them, who is interested in them, who does things with them, and asks about them.  Time without attention, like in a marriage, is worse than no time at all.  Show them that they are important to you… give them your time AND attention.

That certainly doesn’t cover everything involved in being a good father… but it’s a pretty good start.  If you do the things above, or rather if you can be the things above, you will be well along the path to being a good father.  On the other hand, just because you fail at something from time to time (ie fail to be calm… probably the easiest one to fail), that doesn’t mean that you’re NOT a good dad… you can pick yourself up and get back to it.

I have to say there IS one thing I learned for myself, though, something he couldn’t have told me even if he’d wanted to do so, and that’s just how good it feels.  I love being a dad… it’s one of the most fun and fulfilling things I have ever done, and it will make a lasting impact on both my kids and everyone they touch later in life.  There is no way that he could have conveyed just how rewarding it is.

He’s doing a bit better on conveying how much fun it is to be a grandpa, but I think I’d be happy to wait a while before experiencing that for myself.

Everyone has days where they lose their focus, where things are happening too fast and the stress level is rising, carrying the frustration level with it.  Knowing that, however, doesn’t make them any more pleasant.  What you really want is a way to quickly refocus and dump the stress.

There are many books, magazines, and other places to find ways to reduce stress in your life, but what about things that you can do in just a minute or two, not things that require a change in the way you live your life?  Well, you’re in luck, because today I’m going to list a few ways that you can release stress and refocus in less than 3 minutes.

And now, with no further introduction, 5 quick ways to refocus and release stress:

1. Quick Breathing Exercises

   Breathing exercises are a VERY useful tool for refocusing.  It’s even a good idea to do a really quick breathing exercise before using the other techniques listed here.  The idea is simple… adjust your posture to something approximating proper posture, but still comfortable, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing… breathing deeply helps, but isn’t necessarily required.  Focus on the feeling of the breath coming in and the feeling of it going out… a lot of people neglect the exhale, but it’s where a lot of the relaxing happens.

2. Visualization

   This is a great technique, too.  All you do is close your eyes and picture yourself somewhere that is peaceful for you.  I like the mountains or the beach for this, personally, and I usually picture myself alone… but it should be wherever you feel safe and at peace, and with whomever brings that feeling, as well.

3. Smells

   Remembering smells can help you to relax, but it works even better if you can find something with the smell that brings back fond memories.  You might try a candle (you don’t even have to light it), a spray, or a perfume/cologne, depending on what smells make you feel comfortable and safe.  Don’t worry about what is sold as relaxing, pick something that brings comforting feelings to you.

4. Drifting

   Letting yourself mentally drift for just a couple minutes can really unburden you.  This one is definitely one that can stretch to over 3 minutes if you let it, but can offer considerable relief when limited to 3 minutes, as well.  This is one that works especially well with #1… do #1 for a few seconds, and then move to this one.

5. Stretch

   This is one technique that can’t really be applied everywhere, and is another one that can stretch (Get it?  Stretch… sorry, I love bad jokes/puns) to more than 3 minutes.  Given that you have the space to do it (and won’t offend people), however, stretching can release a lot of tension, especially if you pay attention to your breathing while doing it.  For keeping it quick and not bothering other people, I suggest rotating your head, shrugging your shoulders both backward and forward, and doing a quick tighten and release on each major muscle group… tighten it while breathing in, hold it 3-5 seconds, then release it as you breathe out.

Now, when you’re having one of those days (and how appropriate that this article is coming on a Monday?), you can use one of these methods to quickly get back into the swing of things, renewing your focus and shedding stress and frustration.

PS – If you have more quick relaxation techniques, please let me know in the comments… I’m always looking for new ways.