A person’s father (or father figure) is one of the biggest, if not the biggest, influences in their life.  This influence can be either bad or good, but it’s almost always there.

If you want to give your kids a headstart on life, if you want to make life easier on them all the way from childhood up to middle age, and sometimes beyond, one of the best ways to do it is to be a dad they can count on.

What does it mean to be a dad you can count on?  It’s somewhat subjective, of course, but there are some underlying principles, or pillars, that are consistent.

These pillars, as I’ve mention in my first and second 7 pillars articles, are underlying supports.  They all work together to support the whole, the being a dad you can count on, while at the same time supporting each other.

That connection between the different pillars means that strengthening any one pillar strengthens them all… but also that weakening, or worse yet removing, any one weakens the rest as well.

So, here are seven pillars of fatherhood:

1. Loving – No Matter What

   The most important thing you can do for your child is to let them know, through your words, your actions, and all other means, that you love them, no matter what.  Let them know that you don’t just love them when they’re good, that isn’t their actions that you love, but actually them.

   If you do that, they will always have a place to fall back to if they get lost, a place to get their bearings and regain their strength before going back out into the world.

2. Attention

   As with any relationship, your relationship with your kids requires you to devote your attention to them.  You should regularly have time with each of your children that is exclusively theirs… no other kids, no wife, just them and you, so that they can have your full attention.

   This one on one time goes an amazingly long way to making them understand that part of you belongs to them, that they are worthy of your time all on their own, and that if they need your attention, they can get it… definitely part of being able to be counted on.

3. Respect

   Treating your children with respect can make a huge difference in their strength of character, in their ability to be their own person.  One of the clearest ways to show them that you respect them is to treat them as much like adults as they can handle… don’t talk down to them, listen when they speak, stop and take time for them when they request your attention, etc.  Treating them as an adult obviously has to be tempered by their age and maturity… but if you consistently treat them as an adult, their “maturity age” will quite likely be higher than their actual age.

   This doesn’t mean expect them to be adults… that will lead you to being more harsh than you need to be.  It means give them the opportunity to act as adults… the more opportunities you give them, the more likely they are to take them.

4. Consistency

   One of the most important, and one of the most overlooked, aspects of being a father is consistency.  Consistency is how children build up a strong foundation for their lives… if you are unpredictable, delivering harsh punishments for a minor infraction one time, and little or no punishment for something major another time (without special circumstances), if you give them loads of love and attention one moment and turn on them angrily the next, it throws their life into chaos.

   If, on the other hand, you are consistent, with the same punishment nearly always given (everyone needs a break sometimes) for the same breaking of a rule, reliably loving and supportive, then you provide them a safe base that they can count on, that they can return to when the rest of life gets chaotic.  That allows them to build much stronger foundations for themselves, making their life easier for, well, the rest of their life.

5. Support

   One of the biggest things you can do for your children is to stand up for them.  When someone does something wrong to them, confront that person and tell them it was wrong.  When they stand up for themselves, assuming they are not in the wrong, back them up.  Let them know that they can count on you for support when they need it… it reinforces their own strength and sense of worth.

   Never underestimate the impact of having someone stand up for you… especially someone that is an authority figure to you.

6. Teaching

   An essential part of being a good father is teaching your children from your own experience, hopefully saving them from going through some of the painful lessons you had to go through.  This can include things like teaching them what is important in life and what isn’t, how to do the things they’ll need to do as an adult (basic finances, for example), or even just certain actiivities that sound a lot better than they actually are… including any scars those activies may have left.

   Speaking of teaching your kids what is important and what isn’t, the best way to teach them, and the way they will learn from the most regardless of what comes out of your mouth, is by your own actions… Your actions and what has your attention will always reflect what is really important to you, rather than what you think , or say, is important.

7. Listening

   It is pretty easy as a parent to slip into a habit of not really listening to your kids.  That is, you hear what they say, but you run it through your own filter of what’s important, rather than listening to what is important to them, and addressing it.  It’s easy to dismiss things that you have learned along the way aren’t really important and forget that at one point those things were front and center in your life.

   Just because something is unimportant to you now, or to you in general, doesn’t mean it’s unimportant… and you need to listen to your kids and learn what is important to them.

These seven things are all related, and all feed on each other.  If one falls, it can lead to the quick crumbling of another, and then another, in a chain reaction.

On the other hand, strengthening one can easily improve all six of the others, and lead to you improving your father-child relationship considerably.  You can focus on any one of these and improve your relationship, as long as you don’t totally neglect any of the others.

Being a dad that your kid can count on is one of the best things you can do for them… it will help them greatly throughout their entire life, giving them at least one place that theyknow is safe, one person they know will be there when they need them.  That anchor (ironically) can sometimes be the only thing that keeps you afloat.

Let’s face it… in this day and age nobody has enough time.  Life is so busy, and there are so many things to do… it’s hard to find time for anything that isn’t essential.

Now let’s look at that again:  it’s hard to find time for anything that isn’t essential.  That’s what we say and think, but is it actually reflected in our actions?

To answer that question, first you have to determine what is essential.  The definition of essential varies from person to person… some people may find spending time with their spouse to be essential, but others aren’t even married, so obviously that isn’t essential for them.

If you compare what you just decided is essential to what you actually do, it’s nearly certain that there is a wide gap between the two.  This is where you can find time to do something that you aren’t doing now, something that is essential.

I have something that very few people seem to have on their list of essentials, but which I think is essential to a happy and fulfilling life:  being creative.

Many people give up spending time being creative for the daily grind.  They give up their drawing, painting, carving, writing, or whatever else it is that they do that expresses the creativity inside of them to focus on the daily routine of work, laundry, cooking, etc.

In doing so, they give up something that is restorative, something that does wonders for mental and emotional healing.  They also bottle up inside of themselves a growing pressure… everyone has in them a need to create, in one area or another, and failure to satisfy this need adds to the existing pressure of all the other daily stress.

So not expressing your creativity causes additional unresolved stress in your life and takes away a source of healing.  That’s not a good combination… in fact, it can be a recipe for disaster.  Bottled up creativity can be a mental drain to the point that it leads into depression, anger, frustration, and feelings of being overwhelmed and stuck in a rut.

Expressing yourself creatively doesn’t have to come in the forms normally associated with it.  You may be creative in coming up with new business plans, planning parties, or office pranks.  The benefits of allowing your creativity to come out will come regardless of the form (though negative consequences may come from some things, as in the office pranks mentioned above).

With benefits that good, and negative consequences that bad, expressing your creativity could easily be part of your “essential” list.  It’s part of mine… people ask me how I write so much and so often, and the answer is:  Being creative is essential to me, and this is part of expressing my creativity.

Is being creative essential to you?  If not, try taking some time to be creative consistently, over at least a week, and see if the change in how you feel doesn’t make you change your mind.

And that is how you find time to be creative.

How strong is your relationship?  Is it absolutely, positively unshakable?

If so, do you know why?  If not, do you know what the problem is?

This article has seven “pillars” of a strong relationship… if all seven are standing firm, your relationship will be strong and reliable.  If one of them falls, the relationship gets a little more shaky, as the others have to pick up the added burden of support.

The pillars all support each other, as well.  That means that as one falls, the others are weaker, and more likely to fall themselves.  This can cause a domino effect, where a relationship that has been relatively good completely falls apart in an amazingly short time.

The good news is that a pillar can be repaired, but it requires a lot of time and effort for most of them, so if you notice one of them starting to become unstable in your relationship, fix it before it falls completely.

So now, here it is, what you’ve been waiting for, the seven pillars of a strong relationship (or how to make your relationship unshakable):

1. Honesty

   Honesty is important in every aspect of life, including relationships.  If you are not honest with your partner, then you are intentionally erecting internal walls that keep them away from who you really are.  Keeping your partner at a distance is notconducive to a strong relationship (see #6).

   There is someone it is even more important to be honest with than your partner, however, and that someone is probably someone you’re very used to deceiving… you.  If you aren’t honest with yourself, about who you are, what you want, where you are going… you can’t possibly be honest with your partner.  So be honest with yourself first.

2. Trust

   Nothing makes a relationship shaky faster than broken trust.  Trust is (relatively) easily given the first time, but once broken, is very difficult to repair.

   The trust referred to here isn’t just about your partner being able to believe what you say.  It’s about them being able to trust you completely… trust you to not hurt them, trust you to be committed to them, trust you with everything from the smallest detail up to and including trusting you with their life.

   It isn’t just big things that break someone’s trust, either.  Little things can chip away at it until it’s so fragile that the slightest burden shatters it.

3. Respect

   If you want a solid relationship, respect is an essential part.  You need to respect your partner’s needs and wants, their weaknesses and strengths, their dreams and goals.  You need to respect who they are.  Don’t try to make them be like you… don’t treat them like they are wrong any time they differ from you.  Very little in the world is black and white, wrong and right… understand that and accept that their differences don’t need “fixed”.

   It’s also important to remember that you need to truly respect them, not just make a show of it in front of them.  If you truly respect them, then you won’t disrespect them to your friends or family, or anyone else.  Doing so, even if they never find out, only weakens your respect for them further, and doesn’t help your commitment, either.

4. Communication

   No list of things which are important to a relationship could possibly be complete without listing communication.  Communication is a part of so much of the rest of a relationship… it’s hard to trust someone who won’t communicate with you, it’s hard to have intimacy, attention nearly always includes a communication component… virtually every aspect of a relationship is touched by communication.

   That’s why it’s important to know how to communicate well and effectively.  A big part of this is body language… become aware of your body language, and make certain that it reflects the actual words that come out of your mouth… in other words, don’t be thinking about what you’re going to do tomorrow (which will affect your body language) while you’re talking to your partner about something important right now.

   It’s also important that you understand that listening is as big a part of communication as what you express yourself.  Don’t make conversations a competition, don’t try to “fix” everything your partner tells you (Men, pay special attention to that one), and don’t be just waiting for them to stop talking so you can speak.

   What you should do in communication is focus on things that you have in common… that’s what brings you together.  Focusing your communication on things that you don’t share makes it harder for your partner to relate to you, which is certainly not going to help with strengthening the relationship.

5. Attention

   I’ve mentioned attention a few times before, in previous articles… attention is the means by which you give something or someone importance in your life.  Everyone knows this instinctively, although being consciously aware of it is much more rare.

   This means that when you give your partner and your relationship attention, they will notice and respond.  When you give them less, they will notice that, too.  Indiscriminate, undirected attention can become oppressive, however.  You need to give them your attention in ways that show that you are thinking about them, not about you.

   Giving your partner attention doesn’t necessarily even involve time with them.  It can be picking out something that they will like and getting it for them, or making them something, or planning a trip that they will enjoy, etc.  Giving them attention simply means spending time and energy on them, even if most of that time and energy isn’t actually with them.

6. Intimacy

   Many relationships have drifted from a husband/wife relationship to a friends relationship because of a lack of intimacy.  This doesn’t just mean sexual intimacy, although that is important, too… it means dropping the walls you have inside of you and letting your partner deeper than the surface level that you keep up to protect yourself from being hurt.

   It means trusting them enough to let them in to where they can hurt you.  The more intimacy (by this definition) your relationship has, the stronger it will be… provided that the intimacy is mutual.  When only one person allows the other past their walls, it is very hard, and very tiring, on the other person.  It also starts affecting many of the other pillars, as the person who does open their walls will start to wonder why the other doesn’t (trust), whether the other person cares (attention, respect), and if they can continue to count on the other person (trust, commitment).

   Letting down your walls with your partner can be very hard, especially the ones deep inside, the ones that you don’t even let down for yourself… but your relationship can only be as strong as your intimacy allows.

7. Commitment

   Commitment… everyone needs it for a good, strong, deep relationship.  Many people will deny that they do, but that’s only at the surface… if they’re honest with themselves, they will admit that they need commitment for the relationship to move past a certain point.

   The commitment I am talking about here doesn’t have to be marriage.  It simply means that you can rely on the other person to be there, to put effort into your relationship, to keep you near the top of their list of priorities.  In the US, at least, and every other culture that I know of, this is most strongly expressed and embodied in marriage… it’s a sign of commitment that everyone can recognize.

   On the other hand, just because you are married doesn’t mean that you have commitment.  People get married for bad reasons, or forget to maintain their commitment, or other things may happen (lack of intimacy and communication can weaken commitment, marriage or no marriage).

   Regardless of whether you’re married or not, commitment is important.

Each pillar is related to at least two others.  With some of them it’s not too hard to see how they are related… it’s very difficult to have trust without honesty, for example.  Others are a little less obvious, like the fact that a lack of attention to your partner weakens your commitment to them.

When you think about the relationships between the pillars, it makes it easy to see why it’s important to regularly ensure the strength of all of them.  The crumbling of one pillar can easily pull one of the related pillars down with it, and even if it stops there, that’s knocking out two of the seven pillars… that’s a lot of shakiness and instability to have suddenly injected into a relationship.

I don’t think you can say that any one pillar is more important than the rest, but it is easier to focus on a few and strengthen them, which then strengthens the pillars to which the few are related, eventually strengthening the whole relationship.

So go ahead, pick a few to focus on, but don’t ignore any of them.  An unshakably strong relationship will be your reward.

We all have some sort of principles that we at least claim to have, whether or not we actually live by them.  Very few people, on the other hand, will even claim to live by their principles all of the time.  At best most people will claim that they try most of the time.

If you want to have a principle driven life, the first thing you have to do is determine what your principles are.  Most people have never really sat down to determine what their principles are.

The way to begin determining your principles is to sit down and try to think of things you would always or never do, regardless of circumstances.  The list of “never do” could include things like killing someone, stealing, or abusing a child.  The list of “always do” things could include helping a family member in need, staying faithful to your spouse, or practicing your faith.

When you look at these lists, there should be some core things that join them together, things like not backing out on commitments, placing family above self, or not harming the defenseless.  These things that lie behind the actions on your “never do” and “always do” lists are your principles.

So, now you at least know what your principles are… what next?  Well, the first thing to do is commit them into your memory and your heart.  That way they are always with you, and you can always consider them when deciding which path to take at any particular point in life.

Then you can start using your principles to guide your life.  A good start to living by your principles would be these seven pillars of a principal driven life:

1. Honesty

   Honesty is the most important of all of these pillars, especially when it comes to being honest with yourself.  A lot of people even lie to themselves about what their principles are… telling themselves that they hold the principles that they have been told they should.

   If this pillar should crumble, it can often bring others down with it.

2. Integrity

   In order to maintain your integrity, you have to keep your focus relatively simple.  That’s why you boil your lists of “always do” and “never do” down to the principles behind them… so that you have something more simple to focus upon.  Your integrity suffers as you try to be too many things to too many people all at the same time.  Remember… always return to your principles.

3. Priorities

   It’s important to know your priorities, and remind yourself of them regularly, if you want to keep focused on your principles.  Your priorities grow out of your principles… they are more specific implementations of the philosophy that your principles embody.  Figure out what your top 5-10 priorities are, and make sure that they take precedence over things of lesser importance.

   You also need to re-evaluate your principles regularly, to make sure that it reflects who you are now.

4. Commitment

   Living by your principles requires commitment.  You have to commit to your principles, giving yourself over to following them with your whole heart.  If you are not living a principle driven life whole-heartedly, it’s nearly impossible to keep from slipping.

5. Persistence

   Speaking of slipping, persistence is the next pillar.  Every time you slip, you have to pick yourself back up and move forward once again, refocusing yourself on your principles and renewing your commitment.

6. Learning From Your Past

   Learning from your past is essential… it’s how you learn what brings you closer to your principles and what takes you farther away.  Sometimes which direction a specific action will take you is not obvious, but if you learn from your past, you can evaluate it in light of prior experience, and at least make a more educated guess.

7. Be Yourself

   Living a principle driven life always comes back to being yourself.  It’s virtually impossible to live by someone else’s principles… you need to find those principles which are yours.  Anything else adds an incredible amount of difficulty to living by your principles, and hurts the honesty and integrity pillars, weakening the whole structure.

The key thing to remember is that a principle driven life is about living life according to your principles, not those that you have been told you should have by someone else.  Several of the pillars listed above reflect this… honesty, integrity, be yourself.  If you are pretending to a principle you don’t truly believe, that violates all three of those pillars, and will make it much harder for the others support your true principles.

That bears repeating… each of the pillars above that you break makes the burden fall that much harder on the others, increasing the strain and the likelihood of failure.  When all seven are intact, keeping the focus of your life on your principles is, relatively speaking, easy.   With each one that falls, it becomes harder and harder to keep your focus, as some of your attention gets shifted to making the remaining pillars balance the load.

The good news, however, is that you can repair a pillar… it just takes time and healing.

So what are your principles… and how many of the above pillars are still standing in your life right now?

Peter tagged me the other day for his Think Differently Challenge, and so I am going to do exactly what he challenged me to do… think differently.

In fact, I’m going to think differently about the very group writing project.  Here is my thinking differently:

A group writing project usually involves coming up with a theme, a la “think differently”, and then “tagging”, better known as requesting an article from, certain writers that they like and/or feel would be a good fit for the topic.  This is a relatively common thing in blogging, and I’ve been tagged a few times before.

I, on the other hand, am starting a group writing project right here, and tagging people (the list of who I am tagging is below), but I’m standing the whole thing on its head.  Instead of me choosing a topic and requesting that all of the writers listed below respond with an article, I’m listing authors and requesting that they each give ME a topic for an article.

I will link each article to the home page of the blog of the person suggesting the topic, as well as back to this article.  I will also update this article after I complete each article associated with the project, so that there is one comprehensive list of each person who responded, what topic they suggested, and the article that resulted.

Hopefully those whom I tag are game to try my reverse writing project… all I ask is that the topics have something to do with self-development and/or relationships.  So, on to the list:

Aaron at Today Is That Day
Jenny at Jenny And Erin
Mark at The Winding Path
Jean at The Cheeful Monk

You certainly don’t have to write a post about this, though of course if you’d like to I always appreciate the links… just leave a comment or send me an email.  If you’re not on the list and still want to be in on this experiment, leave a comment (or send an email to jasonivers at yahoo) with your website and suggested topic… if your website passes my “good enough” evaluation, I’ll include you in the body of this article, and write an article on your subject.

Also, if anyone wants to, they can feel free to steal my idea, or even pass a link to this article to anyone who might be interested.

So, Peter, how’s that for thinking differently?

The record companies, collectively known as the recording industry (or RIAA aka Recording Industry Associaion Of America), have been making some very big, very public mistakes in the last few years… things such as suing the fans that they sell music too, using shady tactics to try to keep you from sharing music, and, of course, for a much longer time they have been giving the artists who actually create the music a ridiculously small share of the revenue from selling CD’s.

What does that have to do with self development?  It provides some easy examples that you can learn from, rather than having to make the mistakes yourself first and suffer the consequences that come with having made them yourself.

Here are 5 personal lessons you can learn from the record companies’ (hereafter referred to as the RIAA) mistakes:

1. Circumstances Change

   The one constant throughout the world is the circumstances change.  You may be on top of the world, with everything going great, and then have that yanked out from under you by something around you, something you can’t control, changing.  For the RIAA this was the massive distribution power of the internet loosening and now starting to actually break their stranglehold on distribution.

   For you, it may be layoffs at your company, or the sudden and unexpected death of a loved one.  It could also be what seems like a positive change… winning the lottery often leaves people worse off in the long run.  Regardless of what the change is, your ability to adapt  is directly related to the amount you suffer.  If you’re very good at adapting you can even take something that seems to have no upside and still make something positive come out of it.

2. What You Do Is Not Who You Are

   What you do is not who you are… this is hard for many people and companies to understand.  The RIAA, for example, sells plastic discs.  That’s what they do, and it appears to be who they think they are, too.  It would be much closer to the truth to say that they are in the business of providing a musical experience… and if they realize that, they will most likely see a lot more opportunities around them.

   The same thing holds true for individuals… who you are is not determined by what you do.  Many people, especially men, identify with their job.  Identifying with your job can cause you to miss out on other possibilities that open up around you, possibilities that could bring you to entirely new places in your life… higher income, more job satisfaction, or even new relationships.

3. Trust Is Important

   Many members of the RIAA have done some shady things lately, trying to be able to keep the same business model in spite of the changing circumstances.  This has made many people, both customers and bands, distrust the record companies.  This distrust costs the companies opportunities and accelerates the process of people wanting to get away from them completely.

   A lack of trust can cost individuals, too.  You, too, can lose out on opportunities because someone doesn’t trust you enough to offer them to you.  You can lose existing relationships and miss out on forming new ones.  And trust, once lost, is much harder to recover than it was to initially build.

4. Reacting Defensively Can Hurt You

   One of the most well-known things the RIAA has done, of course, is suing people for file sharing.  This includes people who only downloaded a few files, grandmothers, and other sympathetic figures… the goodwill lost from these lawsuits costs far more than the minimal amount of money they get from settlements.  They also ignore the promotional benefits of more people hearing their music because they never get past the initial defensive reaction of “You’re taking something away from me!  I’m going to get you!”

   Reacting defensively can do serious damage to individuals, too.  It can cause you to do or say things that cause you more harm than good, and sometimes bring no good at all, not even fleeting satisfaction.  This can ruin relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or business, thus bringing hurt into your life.

5. Abusing People To Get Ahead Can Come Back To Bite You

   The RIAA has been notorious for years for giving their artists ridiculously small percentages of the money they bring in from selling their CD’s.  This leads to resentment from the very people who they need to generate revenue, and lately the news has shown the response:  several really big name artists have left the RIAA companies altogether.  This is just the start… a trickle that leads to a stream that leads to a river.  If they had treated the artists better, they might have been more likely to stay with the labels because of that.

   This holds true for individuals, too… anyone that you step on as you try to get ahead will remember it, generally much more than anyone you help will remember that.  Anyone that abuse in this way may even go out of their way later to do something just to hurt you.  This is more in terms of business than personal relationships, but it can be true in relationships, as well… there are few worse enemies than a former friend.

Learning from the public mistakes of the record companies can save you headache and heartache.  There are many other examples and lessons you can learn from the recording industry, or from other people who commit very public mistakes, such as certain celebrities (I’m quite certain you can think of several celebrities who have made very public mistakes lately) without having to make those mistakes yourself.

If you have any particularly good ones you would like to add, feel free in the comments.

We all know the experience of being overwhelmed by what life throws at us.  It happens to everyone from time to time, and when it does, it can seem like there’s no way out, no end in sight.  That can lead to feeling frustrated and desperate, causing us to do things that don’t make any sense because we just want to do something, anything.

It’s nearly impossible to see how to get out of this situation, this feeling, from the inside.  That’s why the solution is to stop for a moment, take a step back, and let go of your desperate grip.  There’s a path you can follow to get you started down the path to ditching the frustration.

So, if you are overwhelmed right now, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and then read these 6 steps on how to get back to normal and deal with being overwhelmed:

1. Find A Quiet Spot

   The first thing to do is to find a quiet spot where you can be alone for a moment.  It can be difficult enough to get your feet back under you when you have a moment to think about it… it can be nearly impossible when people keep interrupting you while you’re doing it.

2. Close Your Eyes

   Now that you have your quiet spot, close your eyes.  You’ve gotten away from the people, now it’s time to block out the other distractions.  Open eyes provide a constant stream of input that your mind has to deal with at a subconscious level, sometimes even at the conscious level.  One thing you don’t need when feeling overwhelmed is MORE input.

3. Breathe Deeply

   The easiest, and most effective, action you can take to improve your mental state any time it starts to slide negative is to breathe deeply, especially with your eyes closed.  You should concentrate on the feeling of the breath coming in and going out, and let the negative mental state, and physical tension, flow out with each exhale.

4. Prioritize

   Now that you’re in a state that’s a bit calmer, look at the things that you need to do that are causing you to feel overwhelmed.  If it’s one task that’s huge, break it down into smaller tasks.  If it’s the sheer number of things you need to do, you already have it broken down into smaller tasks… just too many of them!  Now that you have a list of things you “need” to get done, prioritize it.  Decide which one needs done first, which one is most important or most time-sensitive, and make a list, whether written down or just mental, of the top three tasks.

5. Take Action

   Now you have a list of the most important tasks that were part of the mass of things overwhelming you… so take action on the first one.  It doesn’t really matter how small the task or the action is… this is simply about starting down the path to getting things done and out of the way.  You’re taking action to build your momentum.  Once you have momentum, it becomes easier and easier to start on the next task on your list.

6. Look At Your Progress

   This is the final step, the one that really gets you back to normal.  After you have gotten started good on your task list from number four, especially if you have completed at least one of your top three tasks, pause for just a moment to look back and see that you have, in fact, made progress.  You are on your way to taking care of those things that were overwhelming you, even if many of them still lie ahead… the end is at least in sight.  Once you can see a way out and know that you’re getting there, most of the feelings of frustration and being overwhelmed lose their power.

Being overwhelmed is mostly a matter of being lost as to which direction to go, not knowing where to start.  After having taken a moment to calm yourself, prioritized, and taking action on that top priority, you now have a direction, and have already started, so you no longer have that feeling of being lost.  Now it’s not a matter of “What do I do?”, it’s simply a matter of continuing your momentum in the direction that you are already headed.

Maintaining that momentum is so much easier than getting started… just keep moving and the end comes closer and closer.  Actually getting things done is almost never the hard part.  That is almost always reserved for getting started.  The steps above should take care of that hardest part and have you back to normal, momentum in place, in no time.

You have a good relationship, you love her, you’ve been together for a while and you’ve started thinking (or she’s started hinting) that maybe she could be the one, maybe you should pop the question.

But you’re not sure… it’s a big step, a major change in your life.  It’s one of the biggest decisions you can make in life.  Even if you get a divorce, the marriage will be part of you, and part of how people think of you.

So how do you know?  How can you be sure that she’s the one?

A lot of things go into compatibility… it’s impossible to list them all.  What follows is a list of some of the most important factors, things you should consider very seriously before proposing.

After you read and answer all these questions, you should have a pretty good idea as to the answer for the question “Should I ask her to marry me?”:

1. Do you love her?

   This one is simple… don’t get married to take care of her, or protect her, or because you feel sorry for her.  Only get married if you do, in fact, love her.

2. Do you miss her when you’re away?

   If it’s easy for you to be distracted and not think of her, if you don’t miss her pretty much all the time when you’re apart (it can be more and less consciously, but you should definitely feel it any time you think of her), you’re not committed enough to marry her.

3. Does she understand you?

   If you feel like she doesn’t understand you on a regular basis, the two of you are not ready to be married, plain and simple.

4. Can you easily picture growing old together?

   If you can’t easily picture getting older together, if you have to work at it, then she’s not the one for you, at least not at this time.

5. Do you share the same taste?

   This can be in many areas… if your tastes in clothes, music, food, etc. are not generally compatible, it’s likely to cause problems down the road.  This may not be a deal breaker, but deserves real consideration.

6. When you compare her, overall, to other women, do they ALWAYS lose?

   She doesn’t have to come out ahead in every specific trait, but overall, there shouldn’t be anyone who even comes close.  If she ever loses, or even ties, you’re not ready to marry her.

7. Is one of you a big spender and the other a penny pincher?

   Financial differences are the biggest killers of relationships… they cause conflict, so you don’t spend time together, so you grow apart, which causes more conflict, and on into a downward spiral.  Let me emphasize this:  if you are not financially compatible, think REALLY seriously before you ask her to marry you!

8. Is one of you a neat freak and the other a slob?

   Disagreements over keeping things clean can really wear a relationship down.  Even if there is no other conflict, this one tends to be present enough to make the relationship go sour.  If one of you is a neat freak and the other a slob, again, you need to think really seriously before proposing.

9. Is she controlling?

   Even if you don’t think it’s a big deal right now, if she’s controlling it’s almost certain to become one eventually.  You can only handle being controlled for so long… at some point you are going to want to be out from under her control.

10. Are you?

    Be honest with yourself… if you are controlling, work on that before proposing.  It isgoing to cause problems down the road if you are controlling, and getting rid of being controlling is a HUGE personality change, so you should give her a chance to make sure that you’re still right for each other after doing so.

11. Do you both want children?

    You really need to discuss children before discussing marriage.  If one of you wants more children than the other (I don’t mean the difference between 2 and 3… though the difference between 0 and 1 is huge), it will almost certainly cause significant problems in the relationship at some point down the road.

12. Does she have anything she seems to consider more important than you/your relationship?

    If there is something that seems more important to her than your relationship, and it’s not a child she already has, that’s a huge red flag.  If you and your relationship are not the most important thing to her now, chances aren’t very good for that changing after you get married.

13. Do you?

    The same thing from above applies to you, too… if there is something that’s more important to you than her and your relationship, and it’s not your child, you really shouldn’t ask her to marry you.  Having other things you value over her is a recipe for disaster in a marriage.

14. Are you hiding anything from her?

    Trust is critical in a good relationship.  Not important, critical.  If you distrust her enough to hide something from her, work on that first… then you can come back and think about proposing again later.

15. Do you feel like she’s hiding something from you?

    Again, trust is critical.  If you don’t trust her, and feel like she’s hiding something, even if you don’t think it’s that big of a deal, be careful.  You really should trust her before you propose… and you should be pretty certain that she trusts you, too.

16. Do you have to change something important to you to make her happy?

    Is there some part of you that you would have to change in order for her to be happy?  Is that part of you important to you?  If the answer to both of these is yes, be very, very careful.  You may come to resent her for it, and that’s a horrible thing to have in a marriage.

17. Does she have to change to make you happy?

    If there is something that she has to change in order for you to truly be happy with her, even if you think she will, be careful.  It’s very easy to be in love with the idea of someone, rather than who they really are, and you can’t make her change… so if you’re not happy now, don’t ask her to marry you now.

18. Can you imagine getting a divorce?

    If either of you can imagine getting a divorce, and it is absolutely something you should discuss before proposing, then you really shouldn’t get married.  Marriage is too big an investment of your time, energy, attention, and to be honest, you for you to get into if you are already not sure it’s going to last.

19. Has she ever cheated on or left someone before?

    This might be something you don’t really want to think about, but it’s important, because it’s much easier to do the second time than the first… and each repetition makes it easier.  That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t propose just because she hasdone one or the other, it just means that you need to take extra caution, and be even more certain than otherwise that you trust her.

20. If another woman who was beautiful, smart, sexy, funny, and had a lot in common with you showed interest in you, how would you feel?

    This one sounds harsh, but it really is important.  If she really is the one, the one that you are going to be with for the rest of your life, then you should be able to answer this easily and honestly.  You know the answer to this, and if you would be “interested” in that other woman, you are not ready to marry your current girlfriend.

All of these things are serious questions you should ask yourself before proposing.  Marriage is a huge deal, one of the most important things you will ever do, so don’t rush into it… make sure that you really think about it and make sure that you’re ready first.

If you have any other questions, please leave them in the comments.  It’s the conversation that makes blogging fulfilling.

Do you want a really simple way to strengthen your family?  It’s really not complex, and it doesn’t have to cost much, financially… it just takes your time and attention.  Do I have your attention?

One of the simplest ways to strengthen a family is to plan dates.  This includes, of course, your spouse… but isn’t limited to them.  It could and should include everyone in your family, at least once a month (if possible… some families are HUGE, it might have to be less often if yours is one of them).

Here are the with whom you should plan dates, in this simple way to strengthen your family:

1. Your Spouse

   This one should be obvious, but for some reason it isn’t… the fact that you’re married doesn’t mean you should stop dating.  In fact, if you want your relationship to be great, go back to thinking of your spouse as someone that you have to woo, someone you have to win over.  An absolutely huge number of couples forget the importance of making each other their significant other.  If you are one of those couples… change.  Fix it… go back to thinking about your spouse and how important they are to you and win them over… again and again and again.

   This is one person whom you should NOT let slip to less often than once a month… if you can do more, go for it!  Once a week would be great… you wanted to see your spouse at least once a week before you got married, right?

2. Your Children

   It’s less obvious that you should plan dates with your children than that you should plan them with your spouse, but it’s not less important!  Planning specific times to be with each child, and ONLY with that child, gives both you and them something to anticipate, hopefully eagerly.  If you start this when they are young enough, it is something that will keep you close to them, and something they will remember, for the rest of their life.

   If they are old enough, it’s nice to let them choose what to do… it makes them feel more like it’s their date, too.

3. Your Self

   Probably the person most forgotten when it comes to scheduling exclusive time, your self still needs it.  It can be really difficult, especially if you’re one of those people who identify with your family and helping others, to remember that you need time to yourself, too… and I’m not talking about ten minutes before bed, although that can be very helpful, too (see How To Make Your Life Happier In One Simple Change).  I’m talking about an honest-to-goodness solid block of time for yourself, at least three or four hours in a row… uninterrupted.

   You can use this time to do whatever you enjoy, but don’t use it to do something that “needs” done.  Do something that you want to do, something you enjoy, but not anything that you have to do.

If you follow this plan, you should notice basically everything about your family life getting better over the next few months.  If you want it to happen faster, you can plan the dates more often… but don’t make it overwhelming.  It’s good to have a date with your wife once a week, and certainly wouldn’t hurt to have time to yourself each week, but you don’t want to feel like all of your time is scheduled to death, either.  After all, dates should be enjoyed, not forced, or they pretty much lose all effectiveness.

So, get started and actually enjoy something that strengthens your family.

Communication is the act of conveying a message from the sender to the recipient.  Effective communication is when the message received is the message that was sent, without any misinterpretation.  Andall effective communication has one thing in common – shared experiences.

I’m not talking about shared experiences as in an experience that you went through together, although that certainly qualifies… I’m talking about experiences that you both went through, like both going through school, both having watched the same movie, or even both having learned the same slang and/or dialect.  It can even be as broad as both sharing the same language, but without the rest, sharing the same language (which won’t be precisely the same without sharing slang) is less effective.

Essentially, the more shared experiences you have, the more effective your communication becomes.  This becomes particularly apparent in families, especially between a husband and wife… you share so many experiences that you can sometimes convey five minutes worth of conversation with someone else in one sentence with your spouse.

This, of course, is not limited to families.  If you meet someone (a stranger) who you find out grew up in the same general area as you, you will immediately have more effective communication with that person than with a stranger who grew up far away.  If you find out that someone you work with has watched many of the same movies as you, or listens to the same music, or reads the same books, your communication with that person becomes more effective because of the shared experiences.

This is easily apparent in reverse, as well… less shared experiences causes communication to be more difficult and frustrating.  This is especially apparent in the area of slang and dialect… it can be very difficult to speak to someone who speaks the same language, but with a heavy (to you) accent (this is dialect), or with very different slang (think lower-class American English vs lower-class British English).

So how does this affect you?  How can you use this knowledge to become a more effective communicator?

Always look for things that you have in common with the person with whom you are communicating.  This can even be done by adopting similar body language, oddly enough, but it’s more effective to simply listen to what they say and how they say it, looking for something familiar and then focusing a bit more on that shared experience.  As you find more and more areas in common, your communication with that person will become more effective.

As if effective communication weren’t enough incentive on its own, though, there’s an additional bonus… the more shared experiences you find, the more that person will like you, almost without fail.  Shared experiences yield common ground to talk about other things, which leads to getting to know each other better, which leads to more shared experiences… you get the picture.  This is also the reason why relationships where the couple does not spend enough time together tend to become less close… there are less shared experiences, and so less effective communication, and so knowing each other less… it’s a vicious cycle which takes conscious effort to break.

So… if you want to become a more effective communicator, look for shared experiences… and watch all your relationships improve, too, as you apply the same techniques to them.

PS – This post was inspired by Adrienne.