Only one thing is certain in life… we will all die.  Barring unfortunate accidents, chances are that you will see at least one person you love die before your own time comes.

The death of someone you love can be completely devastating.  It has caused more than one person to completely fall apart, and even leads to suicides from time to time.

On a smaller scale, it can lead you to become passive, to give up really working for anything.  This, too, is a kind of death… a slow, sad death of self.

You can’t suppress these feelings and have them go away.  That’s one of the reasons that becoming passive is deadly, mentally… you never take the action that is necessary to healing.

The path that any one individual takes to heal from the emotional wounds of someone close to them dying is unique.  No two people deal with things in exactly the same way, not even twins.

There is one thing that all paths to healing have in common, however… taking some kind of action.  Below is a list of some actions that may help you to deal with the the death of a loved one:

1. Admitting And Accepting How Much It Hurts

   The first, almost always unconscious, defensive reaction to someone close to you dying is to deny how much it hurts.  This is pure survival instinct, much the same as your mind blocks out too much physical pain.

   It is counter productive, however.  Denying and suppressing the pain just makes it stay there at the same intensity, never healing, hurting in the background.  Admitting and accepting how much it hurts means that you can start to send some of your mind’s (and your body’s) resources over to begin healing.

2. Talking To Someone You Trust

   Talking to someone you trust is a good way to deal with any issue that has been bothering you lately.  You may even be surprised at what comes out… sometimes the thing that hurts the most is not what you expect, and it may pop out of your mouth unexpectedly while telling someone you trust.

   It also lets them know that you trust them enough to expose your vulnerabilities, which can strengthen a relationship that already exists (but can be really hard on a very new relationship), whether friends, family, or significant other.

3. Remembering The Good Times

   Remembering the good times can bring a smile to your face, and rest to your heart.  It can help you to have those memories be what comes up when you think of the person who died, rather than the pain of losing them.

   This is particularly effective when it is shared… remembering the good times with other people who knew, and especially loved, the person who is gone can really help to ease the pain.

4. Internal Quiet

   I’m a big proponent of what I call internal quiet.  It is the process of dealing with all the day to day distractions until your mind becomes quiet, and then allowing bigger, more persistent things to come up and have their time.

   More detail on internal quiet can be found here.

5. Writing A Letter

   This is one that may sound odd to some, but really tends to let some of the pain out.  It’s simple, and just what it sounds like… write a letter to the person who is gone, telling them how you feel, what you miss about them, what your hopes and dreams are… essentially one last message to them, telling them everything you want them to know or wish you had said while they were still alive.

   This is one that I personally plan on doing soon, to my grandma who died early this year.

You don’t have to do these things immediately… after all, it’s been nearly a year and I’m just now thinking about doing number five.  Some of them are even things you may want to do many times, like remembering the good times.

You also don’t have to do these things… you just need to do something.  You need to take some sort of action to let the pain go and the healing start.

One more thing… it’s not an overnight process.  It isn’t even something that is done in a week, or a month.  It’s just a place to start, and let time and your natural healing processes have their effect.

PS – Thank you to my wife, who helped me with the second action listed above last night.

Your anniversary is coming up and you don’t know what to do to make it special.  You want it to be different, not just the same old dinner and a movie, something creative, but just can’t come up with any ideas.

For some reason, it is traditional that the man plan the anniversary events, although it’s certainly in the man’s interest to consult his significant other, too.  This can be a lot of pressure, especially since you’re expected to be creative at the same time.

If you’re a man with an anniversary coming up, and you have trouble being creative, today is your lucky day… in celebration of my own anniversary (today is my fourth), I’m going to provide a list of unusual and fun ideas for you to use on yours.

So here it is, 10 fun and different ways to celebrate your anniversary:

1. Return To The Location Of Your First Date

   This doesn’t require much other explanation.  Returning to the spot where you first had a romantic moment together celebrates everything that has happened since.

2. Start A Memory Album

   You can go purchase an album, and add a few pictures… some from this anniversary, some from previous anniversaries, if you have them.  The anniversary pictures are just to get you started… add to it every week, and it will bring you closer all year.

3. Create A Time Capsule

   This can be a lot of fun… make a time capsule for the two of you to open 5 or 10 years down the road.  Also, you can each write (or write one together) letters to your future selves… you can put them in the letters in the time capsule, or you can just do the letters, if you’d rather.

4. Renew Your Vows

   You may have heard of this one, and think it doesn’t qualify as unusual… but as you’re unlikely to be doing it very often, it will be unusual for you.  You can do it as publicly or privately as you like… just the two of you repeating them as you look into each other’s eyes, or in front of a preacher, friends, and family.  Either way, it will bring you back to the time of your original vows, likely helping you forget or let go of anything that has gotten between you since.

5. Have A Weekend Away

   Have an entire weekend away, just to yourselves.  Find someone to watch the kids, if you have them, and refuse to take any calls except from that person.  Don’t go near any computers, either… this is a little less time for the rest of the world, a little more for the two of you.

6. Make Something Together

   Making something together is fun, and if it’s something that will last, it will serve as a reminder of that joy for years to come.  It can be as big, or little, as you like.  One place that is fun, which I mentioned before, is Color Me Mine, which is a place where you can paint pottery which then gets fired.  It’s an easy way to have something that is yours without having to spend the whole day making it.

7. Make Reservations (And Have Something Waiting)

   Making reservations for dinner isn’t unusual… it’s a pretty standard part of celebrating an anniversary.  If you arrange beforehand to have something else waiting there, though… that’s something to remember.  It can be small… it’s the surprise that will make the memory, not so much the gift itself.

8. Ten Envelopes

   Take ten envelopes, and write on each one something like “For When You’re Lonely”, “For When You’re Sad”, etc.  Then put something in each one appropriate to that… a lot of the contents can be pictures, as it’s usually fairly easy to find pictures that are suitable, and it will bring up memories of the two of you together.

9. A Personalized Charm Bracelet

   I made one of these for my wife a couple of years ago.  It’s a set of charms that link to one another, and each one has something of significance on it… my wife’s, for instance, has pictures of us and our kids, our birthstones, a couple of words that have special significance to us, etc.

10. Photo Montage

    Creating a photo montage is essentially a chance to highlight any past occasions and memories that you choose, allowing you to set whatever mood you want… fun, closeness, or whatever else.  It can be small pictures printed on a piece of paper folded in half like a card, or full-sized pictures on a piece of posterboard, it’s up to you.  The bigger one probably has more impact, but the smaller one is easier to keep and look back at later.

There you go, ten different ideas for things to make your next anniversary special.  You can choose one or more of them… some of them can even be fun to do as a tradition.

Enjoy your anniversary… I’m going to enjoy mine.

PS – This post is pre-written… I’m not taking time away from my wife on our anniversary.

As we go through life, we pick up mental and emotional wounds.  Some of them are big, and some are small, but everyone has received some at one point or another.

The nasty thing about emotional and mental wounds  (consolidated to just emotional for this article) is that we have a natural tendency to keep them from healing completely.  This leaves a constant drain on our mental and emotional resources.

It’s somewhat like an improperly healed broken bone.  The bone is no longer broken, and it appears to be fine from the surface, but there is still discomfort and possibly pain.

They share something else, too… in order to heal them completely, you have to first experience the hurt all over again.  To heal a bone properly that set wrong, you first have to break it.  In order to heal emotional wounds, you first have to rip off the scar.

Where do you start the process of healing?

You start with internal quiet.  Internal quiet is the state where you mind has become quiet, where all the distractions and thoughts from the day have had their chance.

When you reach this stage, your mind is free from the daily distractions that keep you from really getting anything accomplished.  That leaves you mentally “available” to deal with things from times other than today… like old emotional wounds.

So I’ve told you what interal quiet is, and one of its benefits (it has a lot of other benefits), so you may be wondering how you actually go about achieving it.  Here it is, the 6 step guide to achieving internal quiet:

1. Find A Place To Be Alone

   The first thing you need to find internal quiet is a place where you can be alone, without interruptions.  Alone, in this case, doesn’t just mean physically… it also means turn off your cell phone and any other way that someone can interrupt you.  The last thing you need when trying to deal with the day’s distractions is more distraction.

   Being interrupted can be bad enough that you have to start all over again… so try to find a place, and time, where it won’t happen.

2. Close Your Eyes

   Your mind automatically gives priority to what your eyes tell it, so closing your eyes robs it of this input, allowing you to focus on what has already been input.  You may be able to achieve internal quiet without closing your eyes… but you’re just making it harder to do so by providing more distractions and input with which you then have to deal.

3. Concentrate On Your Breathing

   Breathe in deeply, and breathe out completely… and while you’re doing so, concentrate on the feel of the breath coming into your lungs and sliding out of your mouth.  As you continue with your breathing exercise, try to slow your breathing down as well as keeping it deep.

   This step deals with the physical tension that interferes with mental and emotions processes, causing tension there, as well.

4. Let Whatever Comes Up… Come Up

   Now your body is relaxed (or relaxing), and things are going to come into your mind.  It might be pictures, thoughts, or memories… it doesn’t matter what it is, just let it come.  Trying to suppress or drive out these things that come up is counterproductive.  It causes mental and emotional tension just when you’re trying to get rid of it.

5. Accept It

   Instead of trying to push away the images and thoughts, just let them be.  Look at them, acknowledge them for what they are, and accept them… they are your thoughts, coming from below the surface of your conscious mind, and denying them is ignoring what that deeper level is trying to communicate to you.

6. Let It Go

   The final step is to let it go.  Let each thought, image, and feeling that comes into your mind be accepted as yours, and then let it go.  Almost all emotional and mental pain, other than at the instant the event occurs, is a result of not letting it go… holding it inside and, in the worst cases, dwelling on it.

   Each thing you let go is one less thing weighing you down, which frees up those resources for dealing with the next thing, and letting it go, too.

You’ll likely need to go through several cycles of 4-6 when you first start reaching for internal quiet, and again when something major happens.  Don’t try to push yourself or rush the process… it won’t work.  This is one thing that absolutely has to go at its own pace.

When you’ve completed the list above (however many times that takes), you should be in a calmer place.  How long it takes varies quite a bit… mostly with how much stuff you have built up over the years, how many and how thick your walls are.  If you keep up the practice of finding internal quiet, you will find you have less mental stuff pending, and it gets easier and quicker each time.

When you reach the state of internal quiet, where you thoughts are still, you should have already faced and dealt with all of the issues from the day.  That leaves you free to deal with older issues.

The emotional healing follows the same process, too… if you repeat the steps above, you will find that you can release a lot of old pain, leaving you feeling lighter mentally and emotionally.  That means that you have more resources to turn on healing the next old wound.

You have a good relationship going… you love each other, spend time with each other, maybe you’ve even gotten married.  After a while, though, you notice that you’re not getting any closer.  You seem to have hit a plateau.

Or maybe you’re just getting started in a new relationship, and you really like the other person, but things just seem to keep cropping up… one or the other of you keeps doing little things that seem to stop the relationship’s growth right when it’s getting started.

What do these two things have in common?  They are both things caused by something that no one likes to talk about in their own relationship… insecurity.

Everyone needs to have a sense of safety and security, a place that they can rest when life gets too chaotic.  The greatest provider of those feelings is a good relationship with your significant other… good relationships with friends and family can help, but just don’t have the same magnitude.

Now you come to the catch 22, though… your relationship can’t move past a certain point if you are insecure, but you need that relationship to provide your security.  What do you do?

The first thing you have to do is take action… without action, nothing will change.  That being said, here are a few steps that can help you get started.

How To Deal With Insecurity In Relationships:

1. Find Out The Source

   There are several ways to find the source of your insecurity, but the two biggest and most effective ways are writing it out and talking it out.

   Writing It Out:  Get a pen and a piece of paper, or your computer and a word processor, and just start writing about what you’ve been thinking about, in a free flow of words and thoughts.  Expand on anything that touches that insecure nerve inside you.  It may take two minutes if you barely have it buried, or an hour if it’s deeper.

   Talking It Out:  Talk to someone that you can trust, at least mostly, like a close friend or a family member (or there could be one person who fits both descriptions).  You start out like you do in writing it… tell them what’s been bothering you lately.  The advantage and disadvantage of this form is that they can ask questions, which may cause you to probe deeper inside, or may distract you from the true source.

   Either way you take, you’re going to know it when you hit the true source of your insecurity… and it may be quite a revelation.

2. Tell Your Significant Other

   Now that you know what the source of your insecurity is, you have to take the next step and tell your significant other.  This is probably the hardest part of the whole process, because you’re already insecure, or you wouldn’t be doing it in the first place.

   No matter how uncomfortable it is, though, and regardless of whether you think you can deal with it on your own, this step is vital.  That’s part of a relationship, you need to share anything that has a bearing on the relationship, and insecurity does have a major impact.

   Telling them also helps to cement it in your mind, and makes your commitment to dealing with it stronger.

3. Make A Plan

   Now that you’ve found the source, and talked to your partner about it, it’s time to make a plan for dealing with your insecurity.  This is the time to get into specifics about what you’re going to do to take care of the specific issues.

   It may be very easy, something that can be done in a day… or it may be a difficult process that takes years.  Either way, your plan needs specific actions and a time table for those actions.  Without both of those things you are much less likely to stick with the plan, and much less likely to succeed.

4. Take Action On Your Plan

   Now you have a plan… time to take the first action on it.  Even the very first action is often a major relief of all the issues stirred up by insecurity.  Each additional step takes away more and more of insecurity’s power over your life and relationship.

5. Review And Update Your Plan

   This is a step that many people forget… your original plan may no longer be the best plan once you start moving forward.  You may even find that it’s hurting your progress more than it’s helping it.

   If that’s the case, change it.  If it’s off badly enough, throw away your old plan and create a new one from scratch.

   Once you’ve got a plan that seems likely to work, whether it’s the original one or a completely new one, repeat step four.  Then, after a while, repeat this step.  Keep up the cycle of steps four and five until you’re done, and the insecurity is a thing of the past.

You can follow this process with more than one insecurity at a time… but you should have a separate plan for each major source.  Many times, though, if you spend enough time on step one, you’ll find that there is one root thing behind seemingly unrelated insecurities.

The process of dealing with insecurity is often not fast… the insecurity may be coming from something years, or even decades, in your past.  If you’re still reading this article, however, you’ve already taken the first step:  admitting to yourself that the problem exists.  Now you just need to take the next step, number one above.

The funny thing about how our minds work is that you don’t necessarily even have to make much progress on dealing with the insecurity long term to start feeling the effects of being on the path to dealing with it.  Just having talked about it, and especially having some sort of plan to go forward with, is often enough to take the majority of insecurity’s sting away.

If anyone has any further ideas for things to help with what is, truly, a major problem, please share them in the comments.

The modern life is full of stress.  It can build up, day after day, until it reaches an overwhelming level.  You may even feel like you’re on the edge of breaking.

It may be stress from financial difficulties, from your relationship, your kids, your work… there are hundreds of possible sources of stress throughout our lives.  The biggest source of stress of all, though, is ourselves.

How, you might ask, are we the biggest source of stress in our own lives?  The answer is simple:  the majority of stress from all of the things I mentioned above comes from focusing on the results of our choices to the exclusion of paying attention to the process.

That leads to the point of this article:  how to stop inflicting unnecessary stress on yourself.

If you want to release a ton of stress in your life, and prevent it from rapidly coming back, the secret is to stop focusing so much on the results of your choices, and more on the choices themselves, and the path along which they will lead you.

One major cause of relationship stress, for example, is focusing on the “fact” that you’re “not as close as you used to be.”  If you want to remove a huge chunk of that stress let go of the comparison, the focus on the results of your past choices, and look at what you can do right now to try to shrink that gap and get closer.

The same thing goes for financial stress… you are in the situation that your past choices have caused, and there’s nothing you can do to change that.  If you let go of your deathgrip on blaming yourself, you can actually look at your currently available choices and how they can lead you to somewhere you’d rather be.

The self-blame game is part of a vicious downward spiral.  It makes you focus on the past, it makes you harder on yourself (and thus less likely to go strongly after a new path), and quite frankly makes you less pleasant to be around, too.

This doesn’t mean that you should blame someone else, it means you should stop worrying about blame entirely.  The situation is what it is, and any energy spent on blame is energy that you cannot spend on getting yourself to somewhere better in life.

Letting go of the past, and any blame that goes with it, lets you also give up your focus on the results that came out of your choices and instead look at what choices lie around you now, waiting to lead you into a better future.

Letting go of the past and blame usually starts with internal quiet… a topic I have mentioned many times previously, and one I will dedicate an entire article to in the near future.

PS – This article springs from Jean’s request in my Group Writing Project In Reverse (it’s in the comments, #6).

Spending time with your kids can be fun and rewarding, bringing you closer together as you build shared experiences, memories to look back on in the future.

It can also be expensive, depending on what you do.  Amusement parks, last time I looked, generally cost $50 or more per person.

You can, however, have fun without spending too much.  That’s what this article is all about, fun and inexpensive things to do with your kids when you spend a day together:

 

1. Fishing

   Fishing can be expensive the first time you go, since you have to buy the equipment, but it doesn’t cost much at all after that, and can provide an entire day’s worth of enjoyment.

   I have fond memories of fishing with my Grandpa when I was young… we’d go to a creek and sit there all morning fishing, and Grandma would cook whatever we caught (or something else if we didn’t get any fish) for dinner that night.  I wish I could do that again.

2. Wienie Roast

   Wienie roasts are another one of those cool things I remember from when I was a kid.  You build up a little fire, cut a few long, sturdy sticks, trim the ends to a point (this also has the beneficial effect of removing any bark and dirt), and you’re ready to go.

   Of course, you have to bring along the hot dogs, buns, condiments, and other necessities (you know, chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers… can’t do a wienie roast without making smores!), but it’s easy and doesn’t cost much.  You do have to find a place where it’s okay to build a fire, though… no wienie roasts in the front yard!

3. New Family Game

   Another cheap way to have fun with your kids is to buy a new family game.  You can usually pick one up for $20 or less… some of my favorites are Don’t Break The Ice, Operation, Jenga, Sorry, and Trivial Pursuit for kids.

4. Natural History Museum

   Most larger cities have a natural history museum that is fun to visit and usually less than $10 per person.  Virtually all kids like to look at the fossils, be disgusted by the bugs, and see the other exhibits.

   This is definitely not one that you can do often, but it is fun every once in a while for something different.

5. The Zoo

   Okay, so this one isn’t as cheap as the rest, but it’s still usually not too bad… maybe $20 or so per person.

   You can’t really go wrong with the zoo, unless your kids are surly teenagers who feel it isn’t “cool” to go… even most adults I know love the zoo!  How can you not love looking at big, dangerous, creepy, or just plain weird animals?

6. The Beach

   This is, of course, not an option for everyone, but if you live within driving distance, a day at the beach is always good, and usually costs nothing more than parking plus drinks and snacks.

   You can swim, build sand castles, pick up shells… it’s easy to have a great day at the beach.  And the ocean is just soothing, too… seems to take away a lot of the every day stress a parent builds up.

7. The Park

   The park is definitely one of the easiest, and cheapest, ways to have fun while spending time with your kids.  It costs nothing but the gas to drive there, and maybe the cost of a few toys, such as a frisbee, football, or basketball.  Little kids can go on the jungle gym or swings, and big kids can play with the frisbee or ball.

   You can make it even better by bringing a picnic, even if your “picnic” is just picking up something from the grocery store to eat when you get to the park.

8. Color Me Mine

   This may be a local thing, I’m not sure… but you can probably find something in a similar vein near you.  Color Me Mine is a store that has unfinished pottery that you paint at the store, and then they fire it for you.  This can easily leave you with a keepsake, something you keep for the rest of your life because of the memories you associate with it.

   It does cost a bit more than some of the other things, but if you choose their small items, it shouldn’t be more than $10 – $15 per person… and there will be no doubt in your mind that it was worth it.

9. Make Dinner Together

   Making dinner together can be a fun way to have some family time, plus you end up with good (hopefully!) food to eat… how can you go wrong?

   Bonus points on this one if you make something you’ve either never made before, or even better, never eaten before.

10. Create A Memory Album

    This is an awesome idea, suggested to me by a friend.  It’s basically scrapbooking for kids… you buy a big album, and then each week you add another page.  The page might have a picture, a postcard, a letter to or from their grandparents, etc.

    This leaves you with a fantastic book of memories to look back through when you (and they) are older.  You might even be inspired to create your own memory album, not just one for your kids.

There are a lot of other ways to spend time together without spending a lot of money, too.  One other easy, but not as specific, thing you can do is to explore somewhere new.

Some of the ideas listed above are things that you might do once a year… others are can be done once a week, or even more.  It can be fun to have something you do every week, like adding a page to your memory albums, but it is a lot of fun to mix things up, too.

If you have more ideas, please share them in the comments.  If I get enough ideas, I will ttake the best reader suggestions and add them to the end of the post here.

Kids  will cheat on tests.  Anyone involved in education knows that, as do most people who are not.

Sometimes, when there is an incentive to do so, teachers will even help their students to cheat on tests.  That incentive could be financial, or prestige (or a lack of it).

This makes anything that depends upon standardized tests suspect… unless you can make those tests impossible to cheat.

Human ingenuity being what it is, that may not truly be possible… but you can make it incredibly difficult for them to do so.  In my previous article on education I wrote a tiny bit about it, but I thought it was worth a more in-depth look.

If you want to change the world, you have to change the schools.

The first topic toward that goal that I’m going to cover is how to make it impossible to cheat on tests:

1. Writing The Tests

   The first part of making tests that are nearly impossible to cheat is to move the writing of the tests a step back from people with a direct association with the person taking the test.  That has the added benefit of keeping teachers from giving extraordinarily easy or difficult tests for the same class.

   So how do you do this?  You create groups, maybe at the district level, but probably at the state level, of people with knowledge in the field to be tested.  These groups are likely to be mostly, if not all, people trained in education… either people who have been teaching for quite a while, or at least people with a degree in education, with a minor in whatever field.

   You then have these groups write far more questions than will show up on the test.  For a test that is 20 questions, for example, you should have at least 100 questions.  Depending on the material, this could end up with similar questions, just written differently (subjects like history might require this), or it could be a lot of truly different questions (math, for example).

   These questions would be entered into a computer, along with the right answer, if there is one (English questions may have more than one right answer, for example).  This provides a master list of questions for the test.

2. Administering The Tests

   When it comes time to administer the tests, the students would sit down at a computer, which would be connected to the central database (or a local copy) that contains all the questions.  These computers would be essentially dumb terminals, only able to run the program that administers the tests, to prevent hacking and/or accessing the internet to try to use Google to find the answers.  Each student would get 20 questions selected randomly from the 100 total available (from the example above).

   That makes it nearly impossible to have a cheat sheet small enough to hide… because you would have to have the whole question AND answer written down.  It also makes one a lot harder to create, since you can only put down the answers to the questions you received, though of course people would get together to compile larger lists when possible… it still increases the effort required considerably.

   Having the test administered by a computer also makes it considerably easier to detect patterns of cheating.  If, at one school, students get average scores until after one particular student (or group of students) takes a test, that could easily indicate cheating.  If one teacher’s class always gets the same questions right and wrong, that might also be a sign of cheating… or an indication of what areas they need to teach better, thus improving education as a side effect of trying to detect cheating.

3. Grading The Tests

   All of the answers to the questions would also, obviously, be entered into the computer.  These answers could then be graded by someone who is not connected in any way to the student, quite possibly without even having any idea who the student is (ie only having an id number for the test they’re grading, not knowing whose test it is).

   Having someone not connected grading the tests removes any possibility of the grade being affected by the teacher liking, disliking, or even feeling sorry for a student.  It limits it to only grading answers to questions, with no social aspect involved.

The plan outlined above removes any chance for a teacher to let people slide through, or grade them extra harshly to make them fail.  It also makes it easy to tell a teacher what area of their subject they may be neglecting, based on students missing more questions than normal in that area.

This is not to say, however, that all, or even the majority of teachers do these things… and many of those who do may do so subconsciously, not intentionally.  A lot of teachers get into it because they have a passion for teaching, and the thought doing those things is repulsive.  Even acknowledging this, though, it can’t hurt to remove the ability and the temptation to do so.

Freeing teachers from having to write and grade tests also gives them the ability to focus more on the actual teaching… not to mention increasing their free time considerably.  They would still be able to easily see the resullts of their students, so they could know if someone needed extra help, or if they hadn’t covered an area well enough.

And in the mean time, people trained in analysis could look at the numbers, and quite possibly come up with solutions to various problems by looking at how different variables cause scores to rise or fall, things such as teacher experience, school policies, and possibly even from which school the teacher got their degree, not to mention standard things like student demographics (age, ethnicity, gender, etc.).

So… comments are welcome.  I’d like this to serve as a starting point for discussion on how effective you, the readers, think this would be, and any improvements you could suggest.

Depending on the number and quality of suggestions, I will either update this post with the best suggestions, or write a follow-up… If you leave a website, and I use your suggestion, I will link to it.  Otherwise, I will just use your name you leave in the comments.

A person’s father (or father figure) is one of the biggest, if not the biggest, influences in their life.  This influence can be either bad or good, but it’s almost always there.

If you want to give your kids a headstart on life, if you want to make life easier on them all the way from childhood up to middle age, and sometimes beyond, one of the best ways to do it is to be a dad they can count on.

What does it mean to be a dad you can count on?  It’s somewhat subjective, of course, but there are some underlying principles, or pillars, that are consistent.

These pillars, as I’ve mention in my first and second 7 pillars articles, are underlying supports.  They all work together to support the whole, the being a dad you can count on, while at the same time supporting each other.

That connection between the different pillars means that strengthening any one pillar strengthens them all… but also that weakening, or worse yet removing, any one weakens the rest as well.

So, here are seven pillars of fatherhood:

1. Loving – No Matter What

   The most important thing you can do for your child is to let them know, through your words, your actions, and all other means, that you love them, no matter what.  Let them know that you don’t just love them when they’re good, that isn’t their actions that you love, but actually them.

   If you do that, they will always have a place to fall back to if they get lost, a place to get their bearings and regain their strength before going back out into the world.

2. Attention

   As with any relationship, your relationship with your kids requires you to devote your attention to them.  You should regularly have time with each of your children that is exclusively theirs… no other kids, no wife, just them and you, so that they can have your full attention.

   This one on one time goes an amazingly long way to making them understand that part of you belongs to them, that they are worthy of your time all on their own, and that if they need your attention, they can get it… definitely part of being able to be counted on.

3. Respect

   Treating your children with respect can make a huge difference in their strength of character, in their ability to be their own person.  One of the clearest ways to show them that you respect them is to treat them as much like adults as they can handle… don’t talk down to them, listen when they speak, stop and take time for them when they request your attention, etc.  Treating them as an adult obviously has to be tempered by their age and maturity… but if you consistently treat them as an adult, their “maturity age” will quite likely be higher than their actual age.

   This doesn’t mean expect them to be adults… that will lead you to being more harsh than you need to be.  It means give them the opportunity to act as adults… the more opportunities you give them, the more likely they are to take them.

4. Consistency

   One of the most important, and one of the most overlooked, aspects of being a father is consistency.  Consistency is how children build up a strong foundation for their lives… if you are unpredictable, delivering harsh punishments for a minor infraction one time, and little or no punishment for something major another time (without special circumstances), if you give them loads of love and attention one moment and turn on them angrily the next, it throws their life into chaos.

   If, on the other hand, you are consistent, with the same punishment nearly always given (everyone needs a break sometimes) for the same breaking of a rule, reliably loving and supportive, then you provide them a safe base that they can count on, that they can return to when the rest of life gets chaotic.  That allows them to build much stronger foundations for themselves, making their life easier for, well, the rest of their life.

5. Support

   One of the biggest things you can do for your children is to stand up for them.  When someone does something wrong to them, confront that person and tell them it was wrong.  When they stand up for themselves, assuming they are not in the wrong, back them up.  Let them know that they can count on you for support when they need it… it reinforces their own strength and sense of worth.

   Never underestimate the impact of having someone stand up for you… especially someone that is an authority figure to you.

6. Teaching

   An essential part of being a good father is teaching your children from your own experience, hopefully saving them from going through some of the painful lessons you had to go through.  This can include things like teaching them what is important in life and what isn’t, how to do the things they’ll need to do as an adult (basic finances, for example), or even just certain actiivities that sound a lot better than they actually are… including any scars those activies may have left.

   Speaking of teaching your kids what is important and what isn’t, the best way to teach them, and the way they will learn from the most regardless of what comes out of your mouth, is by your own actions… Your actions and what has your attention will always reflect what is really important to you, rather than what you think , or say, is important.

7. Listening

   It is pretty easy as a parent to slip into a habit of not really listening to your kids.  That is, you hear what they say, but you run it through your own filter of what’s important, rather than listening to what is important to them, and addressing it.  It’s easy to dismiss things that you have learned along the way aren’t really important and forget that at one point those things were front and center in your life.

   Just because something is unimportant to you now, or to you in general, doesn’t mean it’s unimportant… and you need to listen to your kids and learn what is important to them.

These seven things are all related, and all feed on each other.  If one falls, it can lead to the quick crumbling of another, and then another, in a chain reaction.

On the other hand, strengthening one can easily improve all six of the others, and lead to you improving your father-child relationship considerably.  You can focus on any one of these and improve your relationship, as long as you don’t totally neglect any of the others.

Being a dad that your kid can count on is one of the best things you can do for them… it will help them greatly throughout their entire life, giving them at least one place that theyknow is safe, one person they know will be there when they need them.  That anchor (ironically) can sometimes be the only thing that keeps you afloat.

Let’s face it… in this day and age nobody has enough time.  Life is so busy, and there are so many things to do… it’s hard to find time for anything that isn’t essential.

Now let’s look at that again:  it’s hard to find time for anything that isn’t essential.  That’s what we say and think, but is it actually reflected in our actions?

To answer that question, first you have to determine what is essential.  The definition of essential varies from person to person… some people may find spending time with their spouse to be essential, but others aren’t even married, so obviously that isn’t essential for them.

If you compare what you just decided is essential to what you actually do, it’s nearly certain that there is a wide gap between the two.  This is where you can find time to do something that you aren’t doing now, something that is essential.

I have something that very few people seem to have on their list of essentials, but which I think is essential to a happy and fulfilling life:  being creative.

Many people give up spending time being creative for the daily grind.  They give up their drawing, painting, carving, writing, or whatever else it is that they do that expresses the creativity inside of them to focus on the daily routine of work, laundry, cooking, etc.

In doing so, they give up something that is restorative, something that does wonders for mental and emotional healing.  They also bottle up inside of themselves a growing pressure… everyone has in them a need to create, in one area or another, and failure to satisfy this need adds to the existing pressure of all the other daily stress.

So not expressing your creativity causes additional unresolved stress in your life and takes away a source of healing.  That’s not a good combination… in fact, it can be a recipe for disaster.  Bottled up creativity can be a mental drain to the point that it leads into depression, anger, frustration, and feelings of being overwhelmed and stuck in a rut.

Expressing yourself creatively doesn’t have to come in the forms normally associated with it.  You may be creative in coming up with new business plans, planning parties, or office pranks.  The benefits of allowing your creativity to come out will come regardless of the form (though negative consequences may come from some things, as in the office pranks mentioned above).

With benefits that good, and negative consequences that bad, expressing your creativity could easily be part of your “essential” list.  It’s part of mine… people ask me how I write so much and so often, and the answer is:  Being creative is essential to me, and this is part of expressing my creativity.

Is being creative essential to you?  If not, try taking some time to be creative consistently, over at least a week, and see if the change in how you feel doesn’t make you change your mind.

And that is how you find time to be creative.