Editor’s note:   This is a guest article from Tonya Vrba.  Her work has been published in newspapers and blogs.

At least once in our life, we have heard that love comes when one isn’t looking. The dawn of online dating has somewhat changed this idea. Now, even those who are desperately searching for love can try their chances online. Participation on an online dating site does not necessarily guarantee you a happily ever after. There are certain personality traits of a person who isn’t looking for love that simply make them attractive. If you are in a slump and want nothing more than to be in a loving relationship, take note from those who are not looking.

• Confidence

  Often one of the most attractive traits a person can have is confidence in themselves. Those who are happy and single tend to have a lot of confidence in who they are as an individual. Numerous failed attempts at love can have devastating effects on confidence and make a person feel they are worthless. Spend time with friends and family who value you just as you are. You are an individual… be proud of who you are.

• Find A Hobby

  Cruising dating sites is not a hobby. Most profiles on dating sites list hobbies and interests. There are plenty of obvious hobbies people can do alone, like watching movies or reading. To make yourself stand out on and off line, try to find a hobby that can be done solo and in a group. Indoor rock climbing can often be done alone if a facility has automatic belay devices. It can also be a great activity to do together. Ed. note:  This is very important, regardless of your relationship status… hobbies are often lost as a relationship goes along.  Your hobby should be something that you truly enjoy, not something to impress others or something JUST to be doing something (alone or with others).  Some people love reading, some love writing, some love drawing, wood-working, or cooking.  It doesn’t really matter what it is that you love, nearly anything can be a hobby, and working on your hobby can be one of the most effective ways at letting go of stress and finding peace.

• Discover Your Calling

  People are often attracted to those who have a purpose. A person who is not looking for love may be focused on their career, education or another passion they have. Drive, ambition and dedication are necessary components to reach a goal. Likewise, they are also very good qualities to have in a relationship. No one will fall in love with you for being desperate, but they may fall in love with your passion for helping others or ambition to start your own business.  Discover your calling in life and go for it. – Ed. note:  Passion is the EASIEST thing to fall in love with, especially if you either share the passion, admire it, or wish you had it.  In fact, I believe it’s difficult to fall deeply in love without it.

• Don’t Be Desperate

  No one wants to feel like your caretaker. This is often where people fail, even when dating online. Someone who is desperate for love will often bend at will to anything their date says. Desperation automatically erases the gains you made with the above three qualities. There is a lot of pressure involved in being someone’s only friend, only interest, and only source of confidence. A date is likely to feel he or she cannot provide you with all you need. – Ed. note:  Actually, sometimes people DO want to be your caretaker/parental figure, or your only friend/interest/etc., but those relationships seldom work out well, as they can be overwhelming to both sides.

Remember above all else that you are deserving of love and companionship. Don’t lament the characteristics you have that make you unique. Someday, those will be the very reason someone falls in love with you. The best part of relationships, especially in the beginning, is how two people can learn and grow with one another. If you are doing all the learning and none of the teaching, you will have a problem. Embrace and love who you are.

When you can find a reason to love yourself, others will start to love you too.

Editor’s note:  This is the second guest article in a short time… are you enjoying them?  Please let me, and the author, know what you think by leaving a comment below.

Editor’s note – This is a guest post from Leanne Royer.  If you have any questions, her email is at the bottom.
Hi, how’s it going?Do you feel like your dates are kind of boring and you are doing the same old thing? Going out to dinner and a movie?

Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level? Do you want to add some excitement back into your relationship?

I have some good news for you. Help is here at last!  I am going to give you some tips that will help YOU “spice” up your love life and add some enjoyment to your life.

Relax And Have Fun

I personally love to go on dates. There is just something about the time “away” from life allows you to relax and forget those emails, the phone ringing (turn that cell phone off) and to just get away from people (maybe the children) demanding this and that of me.

Don’t Be Lazy

It is easy for me, and I suppose you as well, to let your relationship with your sweetheart get a bit “stale.” We are busy people. After all who has time for an hour or two to just focus on the two of us?

Tell Them You Love Them

We know we love each other and are here for each other.  Correct? I for one am a woman who needs to be told AT LEAST once a day that I am loved. My husband, well he doesn’t NEED to be told as often. So he says. I tell him anyway.

Time Out

Taking time out for each other strengthens our relationship and makes us happier, more content, and better able to handle the stress of life. There is plenty to stress about. When we do make (notice I said make) the time to spend together we give the children the realization that everything is going to be okay because dad and mom are connected. They are watching us. We also know that we are on the same page, working together to build trust,
stability, and confidence.

Kind Of Date

Guess Where We’re Going – One of my favorite dates to go on is “guess where we are going.” It is fun to surprise my mate and to keep him guessing just where we are going. Usually I leave it up to him to plan the date or we do it together.

Out Of The Ordinary – Sometimes out of the ordinary is the most exciting. If it is an overnight get away I pack his bag for him and hide it in the car, then I pick him up at work. It adds mystery and anticipation to the evening ahead. It is fun being the one in the know as well as the one doing the guessing.

It doesn’t have to be over night. Just a couple of hours, or even half an hour. I’m pretty sure your sweetheart won’t forget this date for a long time!

Observations

I have looked around a restaurant while waiting for my food (yes, on one of my dates) and I can usually pick out the married couples. It isn’t just because they have children with them or because they are on the phone, although those are good indicators.

What To Look For

The married couples eat their food and look around at others or out the window. Unmarried couples do a lot of talking and looking into each other’s eyes. Interesting, huh? I guess we married people have run out of topics to discuss. That is why we especially have to liven up our date nights and be a little more creative.

Working Out Your Differences

Did you know that 50% of marriages fail? Wow! That tells me that I need to work harder at giving to my sweetheart. Make him feel special. After all, why wouldn’t I try my hardest to impress the person closest to me?

The Meaning Of Love

Here is what love means to me:  It is being willing to give when I don’t feel like it, listening (even though I know I’m right), respecting my husband, and doing whatever it takes (within reason) to make him happy.  – Ed. Note: Figure out what it means to you, and what it means to the other person, and you’ve got a head start on a great relationship.

Keep Trying

We all know that life is not perfect, and neither are our relationships. Some people give up and run away when things get tough. We also know that doesn’t fix anything, and often times makes things worse.

Lasting Love

The one thing that most couples dream about (at least in the beginning) is a love that will last a lifetime. I know I have learned more about who I am since I’ve been married. The good, as well as the bad, has come out.

Work It Out

Working out the problem areas in my marriage has strengthened our relationship and can give us the life together we always dreamed of.  You can have the same thing too, if you are willing to give a little extra of your time.

Make Memories

I have a quote hanging on my wall and it goes like this: “Life is a journey, not a destination.” When you look at it like that, let’s go have some fun! Make some lasting memories! Get out the candles, turn out the lights! Tell your sweetheart what you appreciate about them today!

What Are YOU Going To Do

So now it is up to you. How creative and fun do you want your relationship to be? I am working on a project, and can keep giving you tips and ideas as we go along. To do this I need your feedback. So please send me an

email to DatingForReal@Aweber.com and let me know what you think.

There is no risk just fun and GREAT relationships to be had.

Ed. Note – How did you like this guest post?  Please let both the author and me know in the comments.

• What do you do when your husband cheats on you?  What do you do when your wife cheats on you?  Your boyfriend, girlfriend, anyone you have a deep relationship who betrays you.

  There is no “fix”.  There is no fast solution.  There is a path you can take out of that darkness, destruction, and brokenness, though.

  The First Step Is Acknowledging The Relationship Is Broken

  Once someone has done something that completely breaks your trust, whatever betrayal it is, from cheating to lying about important things to stealing to revealing private information, the relationship that you had is broken.  That specific relationship, with that specific person, is over.

  That doesn’t mean that you can’t have a relationship with that person… you just can’t have THAT relationship any more.  You’re going to have to start over, and build a new relationship from the ground up.

  The Second Step Is Placing Blame Where It Belongs

  Once you understand that the relationship is broken, you can move to the next step, which is placing blame where it belongs.  This probably doesn’t mean what you think, or maybe even want, it to mean.  What I mean is that you need to understand, and acknowledge, that each of you is directly, and solely, responsible for your own actions.  Whatever it is that they did, they chose to do.  It doesn’t matter what you did, or didn’t do… what they chose to do is their responsibility.

  This cuts both ways, too, though.  Anything that you did, or didn’t do, is your own choice, and therefore your own responsibility.  You may not want to admit this, either, but in any broken relationship, their is usually wrongdoing on both sides, though they may be in completely different ways… one person may have cheated, while the other simply didn’t share their inner thoughts and feelings, the things that matter to them, both good and bad (sometimes just because they don’t want to “burden” the other person).  Over time, however, not sharing can lead to you growing apart, which can lead to the relationship being mostly empty, which can lead to the cheating.  Each side is responsible for their own actions in this… not sharing doesn’t CAUSE them to cheat.  They choose to do that.

  The Third Step Is Giving Yourself Room (And Time)

  If someone betrays you, they often (if they still have feelings for you) want you to forgive them, and try to work things out, immediately.  It would be nice if it worked that way, but it doesn’t.

  You need to take time for yourself.  If it is your significant other, make sure that you have time away from them.  That doesn’t mean you can’t see them, but make sure that you have time when you are not with them, as well.

  This time is generally best taken in the evening, and it is usually best outside.  You can just go for a walk, or you can go to the park and sit on a bench, or whatever and wherever you want, just as long as it’s some place that you won’t be interrupted.  You need to just have time to get some mental and emotional distance from the pain.  It helps most people to be outside, and especially somewhere that there is nature around them… you can let yourself get lost looking at the stars, or a tree, or flowers, or whatever… just let your eyes lose focus, and then let your mind do the same thing.

  The Fourth Step Is Deciding

  The fourth step is deciding whether you want to forge a new relationship with the person who betrayed you.  You can’t really make this decision without a little mental distance.

  If you decide you don’t want to forge a new relationship, then you are going to have to begin to separate yourself mentally and emotionally from the person.  This usually is not quick or easy… even if you feel like it is, the pain is often just buried (if that’s not the case, there’s a pretty good chance that the relationship wasn’t that deep, at least on your side, to begin with).  Continue to give yourself room and time, and the healing will come… you may sometimes take two steps forward and one step back, or simply fall down, but with a little room and time, you’ll recover.

  If you decide that you do want a relationship with the person, you need to start over.  You need to get to know each other all over again, do things together, talk to each other, and build a relationship from scratch.  You are both going to have to give, and accept, a clean slate, or the damage from the broken relationship is going to interfere with the new one you are trying to build.

  The Path Continues

  The path doesn’t end after these four steps, no matter which decision you make.  It continues forever, in whatever relationship you build next, whether that’s with the person who betrayed you or not.  The path continues, with making sure that you have room for yourself being important for the rest of your life, and needing to share yourself in a relationship never goes away… the relationship can only be as deep as you let the other person inside you.

  The pain from betrayal, from cheating especially, is intense… but it can be healed.  Taking one step, and then another, will lead you upward and out of the pain you feel.

• There is an easy way to strengthen any relationship… including going from no relationship to a slight relationship.  It’s so universal that it is present in animals, as well, not just people.That way is simple touch.

  This can be as simple as shaking hands when you first meet someone… that initial touch forms a very simple bond, but it bypasses a little of the “stranger” alert system that sits in the back of our minds.  If you are greeting a friend and you hug them, it renews the bonds between you, letting you skip the little small talk ritual that otherwise might apply.

  This goes all the way up to strengthening a marriage, too… any marriage that doesn’t involve frequent touch is nearly certain to drift apart.  This can range from holding hands to snuggling, from “footsie” to kissing and more.

  People are all hardwired this way… touch releases oxytocin, which is a chemical that some scientists even refer to as “the trust hormone”.  It is part of the bonding between parent and child, between husband and wife, and even between friends… it can actually be the difference between being friends and being acquaintances or “friends”.

  Touch, however, can also have negative effects, if the other person already has a negative view of you, even if that view is temporary.  It’s easy to understand what I mean… picture someone you can’t stand kissing you, and that revulsion you feel, that pushing away, is what I mean.

  Just as oxytocin bonds you closer together, adrenaline can have the reverse effect, strengthening a negative association in the subconscious with that person.  The fact that is does it in the subconscious can make this even worse, as the association can affect things for a long time without the person even knowing why.

  The take away here is that if you have a positive relationship that you would like to be stronger, reach out to the person… literally.

  PS – Although adrenaline can have a negative effect on an already negative association, it can also have a strongly positive effect on a neutral to positive relationship… this is a major factor in the brotherhood that comes from dangerous occupations like firemen, police, or the military.  It’s also why things like amusement parks can be a fast way to make a relationship stronger, whether that is friends, relatives, or something else, as long as both people actually enjoy the rush.