Each relationship, like each person, is unique… it has its own patterns, memories, needs.  You could almost say it has its own personality.

Of course, with each relationship being unique, each has different needs, as well.  Some relationships need a lot of help with communication, some with insecurity issues, some with something else.

One thing almost any relationship can use, however, is a closer connection.  Emotional intimacy is the bond that determines the real strength, depth, and power of a relationship… the closer the bond, the stronger the relationship.

So, you want to be closer… now how do you go about doing it?  The answer, of course, varies somewhat, as with all things having to do with relationships.  I do, however, have a few easy suggestions that you can try.

7 Easy Ways To Be Closer And Have More Intimacy:

1. Create A New “Tradition”

   By tradition, in this case, I simply mean something that you do on a regularly scheduled basis.  It could be going to a certain restaurant, watching a movie on the first Saturday of every month, or anything else that involves spending time together, that you do at a certain time or date.

   By making it regularly scheduled, you make it something that you can count on and look forward to, as well as making it less likely that you’ll blow it off to do something else.

2. Have Slow Time

   Having slow time together is absolutely vital.  If you don’t take the time to have slow time together, even if you both like fast-paced lives, your relationship will have a hard time growing past a certain point… mostly due to the fact that slow time is when your intimacy grows and your relationship deepens.

   You can find a few suggestions on how to have slow time here.

3. Learn Something New Together

   Learning something new together, as long as you are relaxed about it, can be a great way to get closer.  As you learn, and help each other, it builds shared experiences, which are a cornerstone of intimacy.  It’s also simply more time together, when you’re really together, not just in the same place.

4. Have A Date

   People who have been together for a while, especially once they are married, tend to forget that they need special dates, despite the fact that they see each other every day.  Dates are different than your every day experiences together… they are going out of your way to dedicate your time and attention to your significant other, making that time special to the two of you.

   If you haven’t had a date with your spouse for a while, you might be amazed at how much difference it can make, especially if you’ve been struggling a bit.

5. Tell Each Other Something New

   Another good way to get closer is to tell your significant other something new about your self.  It could be a childhood memory, and dream that you had and gave up, something mildly embarrassing that you like… it doesn’t really matter what it is, as long as you’re opening yourself up more.

   The one exception is telling them something you really should have told them before but had kept from them, such as a previous marriage, etc., where the blow to their trust is far greater than the intimacy gained… however, every secret that you DO keep is one more thing keeping you further apart.

   Something else along the same lines that you can do is to ask open ended questions… there are a few creative questions here.

6. Make Something Yours
   

   Making something yours is a great way to be closer, too.  What does it mean to make something yours?  It means that you take something, even something very ordinary, and make it something special that you share with your partner.

   My wife and I, for example, watch the show Heroes together online… and only at night, after the kids are sleeping.  It’s our special time, our special thing, that we don’t share with anyone else.  Find something that you can make yours… it could be a song that has meaning for you, a special movie, or a particular restaurant.  Make it yours… don’t share it with anyone but your significant other, and it can become another special bond between you.

7. Do Something Very Personal

   Another great way to get closer is to do something very personal for each other on a regular basis, something like once per month.  By very personal, I mean something that comes from you… if you have a passion for drawing, it could be a picture.  If your love is cooking, it could be a new special dish.

   It doesn’t really matter what it is, just that it reflects who you are, and that you devoted enough of your time and attention to your significant other that you made something for them that contains a piece of you.

These are just a few suggestions… there are a lot of other ways to get closer.  Hopefully at least one of the ways listed above will work for you, and hopefully some of you will have some suggestions for me… you can leave them in the comments, or email them to me.

Let me know how it goes… if anything works particularly badly or surprisingly well!

 

If you read any books or websites about self improvement in general, and success in particular, you will notice one theme, one concept, that appears more often than nearly any other:  setting goals.  I even recommend it myself, from time to time.

Setting goals can help you to focus your energy and effort, making it far more likely that you will get something accomplished.  That, in general, is a good thing… I even set goals for myself (like hitting 1,000 subscribers by May 31, 2008 *hint hint*).

The peril lies in becoming so focused on the goal that you start becoming blind to where you are now, so focused on the destination that lose sight of the opportunities along the way.  This is a trap many people fall into, and one that it’s sometimes difficult to recognize even after you fall.

Let me give an example that you have probably seen (or even done) yourself:  the person who is always focused on how to make money.  Their goal is to have (or make) some amount of money, and they view every situation through this lens… and become so focused on it that they miss opportunities to make new friends, one of whom might even be their ticket to the money which holds their attention.

It’s not too difficult to think about other examples, from the person who is so obsessed with someone that they miss a chance with someone who would have made them happy for the rest of their lives, to the person who is so focused on getting promoted that they forget to look around and see other opportunities, whether at another company or in another field.

That’s why I, personally, recommend choosing a path more than a goal.  That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have a goal in mind… again, I have a goal of 1,000 subscribers.  Your focus, however, should be on choosing your path… your attention should be on where you are now, and what the next step might be.

Focusing on the path, and choosing your next step, keeps you more aware of your current surroundings, and oppotunities that might arise that either move you toward your original goal faster, or even change your goals… there is no need to stick to your original goal if it’s no longer somewhere you want to be.

Focusing on the path also tends to reduce the amount of stress in your life as you notice the things around you, the things you already have, and the things within your reach, while thinking less about the things that you don’t have.  In the picture above, the person focused on the goal would just be worrying about how much further they had to go, where the person focused on the path might stop to take the time to notice the beauty around them… and perhaps meet others who also stop to appreciate it.

Goals are wonderful things to have… as long as they are not set in concrete, and you don’t lose sight of the beauty and wonder of the path you are taking to get to them.

One step at a time down the path, and you won’t get overwhelmed.  One step at a time and you give opportunity a chance to catch your attention.

One step at a time, and you are far more likely to be somewhere that you want to be.

Would you like to live an extraordinary life?  A life beyond the normal, tame world where the vast majority of people dwell, a life where what seemed impossible before suddenly seems imminent?

Who wouldn’t like to live that kind of life?  The funny thing is, it’s a lot more achievable than most people think… which is why they sit there and ignore it, not reaching out to take hold of something that is within their reach.

I have fallen into that trap myself, and in fact, am just now climbing out of it.  I went into computers, and programming specifically, because it pays well and I have a talent in that area… but it’s never been what I really wanted to do, what brings out the passion inside of me.

Most people are the same way… they settle for a job that they are good at, and hopefully pays well, or at least pays enough to get by.  They have an average life, even if they seem successful by the world’s standards (ie nice car, nice house, etc.).

Some people, on the other hand, lead extraordinary lives.  It seems like they have a magical touch, churning out success after success, overflowing with energy, and apparently just blessed.

In reality, though, they are just ordinary people, who do something unusual… they hold on to their dreams, embrace their passions, and never give up hope.

I read a book while going through my recent plumbing problems about the importance of doing so, a book which reminded me to let my passions, which had been suppressed for so long that they were a shadow of a memory, out to breathe and grow stronger.  I’ve felt a difference in myself already, with more mental peace and less feeling of being stuck in place.

The book was written by a man who has lived a life by those principles… he built a school in the inner city Pittsburgh that teaches gourmet cooking, advanced photography, ceramics, and other things you wouldn’t expect to find in poor neighborhoods… and the school provides all of those things without charge.

That man is Bill Strickland, and the book he wrote, that I read, loved, and recommended to many people amongst friends and family, is called Making The Impossible Possible.  It’s all about living an extraordinary life by following your dreams and not letting go, by embracing and encouraging your passions, and by never, ever letting go of hope.

It doesn’t matter what your dreams and passions are, or whether they are “respected”… it doesn’t have to contribute to your outward signs of success, and you don’t have to do it for a living.  Your passion might be cooking, and you may simply whip up new recipes for your family and friends.  It may be writing, and you may start a blog with only 32 people coming to it in the entire first month.

It doesn’t matter how big or small you start off (or stay, for that matter).  It doesn’t matter if you are good or bad.  The mere fact that you are, in fact, embracing your passions will make your life seem brighter, happier, and more fulfilling.

The funny thing about embracing your passions, though, is that even if you don’t intend for it to happen, other, more worldly signs of success often follow.  Your friend that you cook a new recipe for may rave about it to his friend, who happens to be in a position to recommend it to others, and the word may spread until you end up hiring others to make enough of whatever it is to keep up with demand.  Or, in the case of the blog, you may end up 7 months later with 60,000 visitors in one month.

Tomorrow I’m going to write another article that is inspired by the same book… mentioned in passing was one of my beliefs about self improvement that differs considerably from what most people will tell you.

For those of you who are interested, this is the book:

Amazon

We all like to have things happen on our own schedule.  We want this now, the other thing tomorrow, and the thing after that next week.

Unfortunately, life has its own pace, and it doesn’t always match our own.  Sometimes things happen faster than you’d like, and sometimes you are forced to slow down.

In the last two weeks or so, I’ve gotten a sample of the second type of scheduling conflict.  Life decided that I needed to slow down, and as always happens when your schedule is in conflict with life’s schedule, life won out.

In my case, I got some enforced time off when a pipe in my home completely broke, flooding the downstairs bathroom and hallway.  We hoped to put in a temporary patch to let it hold until after the holidays, but the break was in a bad place, and it was impossible to patch it.

That means is had to be completely re-piped… all the incoming water plumbing had to be replaced (at least it’s copper now).  That meant that I had to take the time off work to be there while the plumbers were working, as I’m not willing to allow strangers into my home without my presence.  At the same time, I couldn’t really do much of the stuff I would normally do when taking time off of work.

So, as mentioned earlier, I got to slow down.  Any of you who have been subscribers for some time will notice that I suddenly stopped posting new articles… I don’t have a laptop, and my computers at home are near one of the main places the plumbers were working, plus all kinds of things had to suddenly be moved out of their normal spots, blocking much access to a lot of my home.

So I sat back and took the time away from the computer… I’ve barely looked at a computer for two weeks now (though I did play video games on my PS2… my son got Guitar Hero III for Christmas, and I’ve been playing too!).  I read a new book, which was actually good enough that I’m likely to do something I’ve never done on this site before and post a review of it (and no, I’m not getting paid to do so, for any who are curious).

I spent more time with my wife and kids (some of which included playing video games with my son), which is a practice I mean to keep up.  I thought about what I really want to do, and how I want to do it.  That also is a practice I mean to keep up.

In other words, life grabbed me by the collar and sat me down to have a little talk about how I was letting the important things get lost amongst all the day to day junk.  I am grateful that it did so, as I wasn’t paying enough attention to the little reminders that I was starting to let my priorities slip.   Even the most aware people (not that I’m claiming that status for myself) stumble sometimes, and sometimes you need a wakeup call.

Life’s pace always triumphs… so when it throws a rapid change in pace at you, learn the lesson, sit back, and enjoy the ride.